Trust and Truth....can I be Poly with him?
I feel so lost right now. I am trying to take the theory of poly and make it a part of my life with my husband, but everything seems to go so wrong and trust is a huge issue that never seems to go away. Every step forward I take, I feel something happens to send me 2 back.
I'll start by saying that I am fairly new to the practice of an open relationship. When I met the man I am with, I knew he was poly, and I was open to it. When I realized that I had fallen in love with him and we became life partners I panicked little as I was not sure how to live this lifestyle and it scared me more than a little. I did ask for one guideline regarding a few ex's that made me uncomfortable to which he agreed. Needless to say, there was betrayal of that about one year into our relationship when he broke that request and we ended up closing the relationship and seeking therapy in order to try and save our relationship. We stayed closed for a lot of years, even got married. Shortly after the marriage he brought up wanting to open the relationship again.
I will admit that I was not as open to the notion as I was the first time around. Trust is a tricky thing but I also knew that our relationship would end if I did not. He said that he would stay with me and remain mono but that in order to do so he had to "turn-off" his sexual desire so our sex life would be pretty non-existent. I'm not really into giving that up.
I read the books, we talked about it, then we talked some more....and then a little more. I asked him to read the books too (9 months later...he still hasn't) I asked to set out guidelines. He agreed. We wrote down what we were both wanting out of our relationships with others. He is into BDSM so his relationship would have that aspect. We talked about the guidelines, and we agreed to them. Then we agreed it was time to put this new lifestyle into action.
I really thought that he would have been incredibly supportive of me and help me deal with my emotions as he lived poly for 10 years before he and I ever got together. Truthfully though, I feel like most of the time he is just angry at me for not being completely ok with everything right from that moment. To make matters worse, to me it seems like he is breaking all our guidelines over and over, and my trust just keeps taking a beating. Whenever something happens and I get upset or feeling like he has been deceptive he gets mad and shuts me out. He is never reassuring or loving about it, just mad that I am holding him back. He says all of my emotions and upsets are just excuses because I don't want him to be intimate with anyone else. But that is not true, I just want him to be open and honest with me before things happen and that he follows the guidelines.
He has gone off with someone and played when we are in the middle of an argument, then lied about how far things went until he realized the other person would tell me if I asked. He said he didn't understand the guideline and thought it meant talking to others about our relationship issues...so we clarified.
He has been deceptive about inviting someone to a party. I was on the phone with him as I was away for the weekend and he said the people who were there and left out a girl he was interested in and whom he invited and knew would be arriving any minute. He said later when we were talking about it that she wasn't there at the time so he had not lied. He then took this girl home after the party and they played around up to the point where SHE stopped the interaction because she was aware that he was breaking the guidelines of his primary relationship.
I was having a really hard time with his first girlfriend which he was seeing regularly (the same from the example above) but really tried to cultivate a relationship. I invited her over for a movie and then he decided to drive her home after and decided to stay so he could play. It was suppose to be our night together and I ended up calling and telling him that I needed him to come home. It was a horrible night, very emotional but in the morning we were still together. I went to work for a few hours then came home, later that night he told me that they had sex for the first time that morning. Apparently right after I went to work he got dressed, went and got her and slept with her and rushed her out when he found out that I was off work early. Our relationship was in major crisis....and he decided to take things to the next level with the other person. Without ever discussing it with me, but as far as he was concerned there was no problem with that because our rule was no sex until after I had met the other person....and I had met her the night before.
The relationship didn't last long because we had a family emergency the next day which consumed our lives for 3 months and in the end I told him I couldn't deal with the emotions of what was happening and trying to accept poly all at the same time. I asked him to end it (as it was only 2 weeks in) and after much arguing and making me feel like a horrible person, he did.
He's told me that he had lunch with one of his ex's while I was away on a week vacation, no problem....then it comes out days later that he was trying to restart the relationship and when she was all for it, he realized that it may upset me since she was trying to move so fast he put the breaks on...my question is why not tell me all that at once and not a few days later when I saw a text message asking him to meet her at a hotel?
The latest incident....I am away again (seeing a pattern here lol) and he goes to a BDSM play party. I message him when it is over to ask how it went and he says....good, found someone to play with, gonna do that now. I was floored. It was 4 am, the party was over, and I ask where they are, he is at her house. I ask who he is with, a girl I met casually at a munch once...and not in the context of her and my husband doing anything together. I am not proud to say that I freaked out and he ended up going home because I was so upset. I just can't fathom how he could say that he didn't know until moments before I contacted him that anything was going to happen. She invited him to her house. How could there have not been a point before that when he could have called me and let me know that he thought the evening was heading that way and tell me he loves me and give me reassurance and then say he would talk to me in the morning? Did he technically break any rules?.....no. He told me before it happened, though I wonder what would have happened had I not texted (he said he was planning on doing it right when I did) and I have met her once before, though not in the context of her having a relationship with my hubby.
Maybe I really am not poly....though so much of it resonates with me. I just wonder if I can't be poly with him because of the trust issues and honesty problems. He says it would be worse if he is upfront all the time, but he has never tried....he always seems to think it is better to hold back until he is sure it is headed somewhere (the bedroom), but that is what makes me feel he is hiding something. It really isn't about the sex part, it about knowing what is going on with my life and my partner. I know this is all rambley and convoluted but there it is. Any words of wisdom?