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Old 05-16-2010, 03:16 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 833

Originally Posted by MyDemonsMyAngels View Post
Okay, I am pretty sure that I have attempted to write this at least a dozen times and each one of those times I have been unsuccessful. I think I am spending too much time dwelling on whether or not I will be understood the way I would like to be. Then is occurred to me- does it really matter if someone I do not know understands me or not? And the answer is no, it does not. If anyone reading this has anything to say that they feel would help me please, please, please say something. Bad or good- at this point it does not really matter. I just want to feel better. I want to feel whole again. I cannot go another moment feeling this nasty feeling inside- I desperately need for it to go away. On that note here I go…
I have taken the time to read through many of these threads to try and gain an understanding of the Poly Lifestyle, and I believe I have. There are just a few things that I have a problem coming to terms with.
I understand that not ONE person is able to fully complete another person in every way that they need. That is why people have friends, brothers, sisters, mother, father so on and so forth. Each individual person in your life creates a different dynamic that you want in your life and or need in your life.
I also understand that a person has the ability to love more than one person at one given time.
Here is my dilemma. I do not want to be loved equally.
You would rather be loved unequally? I'm not trying to snark but I am trying to understand.
My problem is I have what some people in the Poly world like to call COMPARISONS DISEASE. I cannot stop myself from comparing the relationship my boyfriend has with me (his primary) and the relationship my boyfriend has with his secondary.
Are there things you don't enjoy doing, despise doing, that she does enjoy? Are there things she doesn't like doing that you do?
I have never been in this type of relationship before and I hate that I am feeling this way.
One thing that has worked for us in the past is putting a hold on any other relationships while we work on the problems in the main, core, relationship. If necessary put a time limit on the hold, say three months, in which time you really work, and work hard, at resolving the issues you are having.
I am terrified that she is going to take my place or worse take him completely. I am terrified that him having love for someone else equals less love for me because now she has some. Was I not enough for him that he needs someone else? I am not Poly so I do not understand. I do not get how a person could love more than one person at one time.
My lightbulb moment came when I realized that he CHOSE to come home to me each and every time he was with someone else. He didn't come home because he had to, I don't own him. He came home because he wanted to. He wanted to spend time with me. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He wants to help me make my life more than it already is, he wants me to help him make his life more.
And please don’t give me the example of a mother loving her multiple children because that kind of love is different than the type of love we are talking about here.
I wouldn't dream of it since I don't see it that way.
I cant seem to shake the thought that if I was the “right” person for him he ultimately wouldn’t “want” another. So there for he does not really love me- I find myself thinking well if he wants to spend time with her it’s because he would rather be with her than me… ie choosing her over me. I have this overwhelming feeling of not being good enough. Not being enough of a woman to “keep” her man. I feel like shit to be honest. I do not want to feel this way, and the negative thoughts are ALL consuming and they just get worse and worse and they are creating a rift in my relationship.
I guess really my question is how do you all deal with the negative thoughts and emotions? How do you get past the feeling of not being good enough?
I really could use someone to talk to about all of this. Because there is more to it than just this message…
I really hope there is someone that can help me deal with the pain…
As someone else said: COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE, COMMUNICATE! Communication is the cornerstone of ANY successful relationship. If he doesn't know why you are feeling the way you are he can't help you. If he doesn't know you are feeling so lousy he can't help you.

I've told this story before & I'll repeat it here for your, and others, benefit.

Breathes had a fwb arrangement with a very good friend of his. She and I tried to be friends, rather I tried to be friends with her. She seemed to be trying at first but the longer I was in his life the less she would put out there to me. The more the three of us did together the more walls she would put up in order to keep me out. Breathes and I talked about what was happening with her along the way, the good, the bad and the ugly. I told him my feelings about her whether they were good, bad or ambivalent. He knew at every step how I felt about what was going on. The final straw came about 18 months ago. All three of us were at a party together and they had found a relatively quiet corner to be alone for a little while since I was busy with my volunteer shift. I went to find them when I was done to let him know I was free and to see if he needed anything. The look she gave me would have put out a raging fire! The look said "I've got him now. He's mine and you can't have him back!" For the sake of politeness and not wanting to make a spectacle and an ass of myself I opted to not do anything about it at that time. When we got back home I told him what had happened. He was NOT happy but felt I had done the right thing at the time by not playing to her cattiness. As things stand now they are friends without benefits who occasionally have a BDSM play time together & I have as little to do with her as possible without seeming to be avoiding her.

No, poly isn't an easy life but neither is monogamy. Life has it's ups and downs no matter what your lifestyle is. How you deal with these bumps in the road is what defines you as a person. You can choose to live with the pain and hurt or you can choose, as you seem to have done, to deal with them and get to a better place in your life.

Please feel free to PM me if you like. You can also add singlemomcanada on LiveJournal or my Facebook under (I also have a blogspot through gmail but rarely use it). (Anyone can add me, really, but FB is mostly family who are unaware of my lifestyle choices.)

Time to sign off and get ready to spend a day NOT in the apartment, lol.

Good luck and I hope you find the solution to your dilemma.
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