Love is a Gift
I am CanadianPagan. Nice to meet you all.
To tell you a little about myself, I am a single, bisexual, polyamorous, female who has been celibate for almost four years. Why, you may ask?
I have never really felt "right" in mono relationships, and while I was never into being a cheat, I often wanted to, and sometimes did, spend intimate time with people other than my partner, usually with their knowledge, though I'm not sure it was with consent. I wanted it all to be out there in the open, rather than a joke or an open secret. I wanted to talk about it. Over time, I have come to realize the major reason things never worked was a huge lack of communication all around.
The last relationship I had was my first poly one, with a married couple, but they were as new to the concept of poly as I was, and none of us really knew how to handle things. It felt more like swinging than truly a partnership. They would mostly spend time with me as a couple, rarely as individuals, so things weren't really able to develop naturally with myself and either of them. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our time as a group, but I want a more equal partnership with people who understand that even couples are made up of individuals, and one-on-one time is essential. I very much felt like a "secondary" part of their lives, which just isn't me. Maybe they shared their feelings with each other (I don't really know), but I was left out of the loop, and their "rules" seemed to change without notice. I couldn't handle it anymore.
I thought maybe I just wasn't cut out for poly either, and thus chose to cut myself off completely from dating and relationships, but now I see myself more clearly. After lurking here, and doing more research on polyamory, I realize what the problem is, and I am debating trying again. I have so much love in my heart, and I feel deprived not giving it. I thought I would join so I have more support than last time (when I had none), and since I have seen mostly positive encouragement from the members of these boards, maybe it is the place for me.
Thanks for listening.
Love is always bestowed as a gift - freely, willingly, and without expectation. We don't love to be loved, we love to love.
- Leo F. Buscaglia