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Old 05-14-2010, 05:48 AM
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ksandra ksandra is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 78
Default Floating bubbles and bursting bubbles

AutumnalTone...what you said about it eventually going away has really stuck with me. I think I'm going to keep that in my head for awhile.

KT...if I were in the same position as you I think I would be going over the deep end. Your strength is something I really look up to.

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I had a date with J last night. It was really nice since T had asked me to take some time off seeing him for a week to work on our relationship. It ended up being more like a week and a half which was big for me since I always have a slight fear that if I don't see a person for that long they'll forget about me. Especially since a couple days before this date J informed me that he had bad news and my mind was starting to go...oh no, he's found someone else, he's gay, he's actually not interested...etc.

Meanwhile T is freaking out that he had "fallen" for me. Not as scary to me since I knew how I would deal with that if it had happened and honestly I don't think it's a bad thing. But T had it built up that if J had then our (T et moi) relationship would fall apart and I would leave him for J and J would get weird with T (they never see each other so I don't really know why this is a problem).

With this in mind I made my way to J's house where he informed me he was going through withdrawal and at this point I'm like: oh no, I managed to find ANOTHER musician junkie. Great. And then he looks at me and says he was going through withdrawal from seeing me. Ever wanted to deck someone and throw your arms around them at the same time? I wasn't sure if I was moving to hug him or strangle him. I'm happy to report it was a hug.

After that we went for ice cream and coffee at a cafe on College St. that makes all the icecream themselves and I had an awesome pistachio one that kind of tasted like baking cookies and marzipan with bits of pistachio in it. We talked for a long time and I got a chance to explain what being poly was like for me and how if there was a Kinsey scale for it I would be at the far end of poly. One thing I really like about J is how open minded and interested in people he is. He actually listens to what you're saying, thinks about it and then answers. On our way home he told me how he'd never met anyone like me and thought it was wonderful that I can have multiple relationships in my life and that I want that from life. We went back to his place and watched Wristcutters: A Love Story, which is pretty phenomenal and if anyone likes Gogol Bordello, they do the soundtrack for it. It was a great date except that I was late coming home and T was very upset with me. This curfew (time limit, time demand call it WHATEVER you want) is driving me absolutely crazy. I suck with time, it doesn't matter what I"m doing I have to be an hour early to everything or I'm going to be 40 minutes late. Having to operate within a limit like this is making me resent the hell out of T and he can't let go of it because as he says it's the only control he has over the relationship. Why do you need control? How about trust and love?

Anyway, today T and I were talking some more about it. It was a fairly heated discussion but he used the term secondary with J, which is good since he's recognizing (if only subconciously since I don't think he chose that term on his own) that there is some kind of emotional tie there though I'm not sure what type. I like J a lot, I have some great conversations with him and he's very different from most of the people I hang out with. He's very polite and a lot more intellectual and controlled. I think since most of my friends are actors a lot of the time it's about being silly and emotional, which is great, but a change can be very refreshing. I think J likes me, the text messages I get during the day make me smile and I think if he was just trying to keep this casual he would be a lot more...well casual. So I guess we'll see what's there and sooner or later we're really going to have to talk about it but that time isn't yet.

Today I've been thinking a lot about J and T. I know you're not supposed to compare lovers but honestly, people do. Your brain does it automatically I think. They're physically very similar. T has even pointed it out. But otherwise they're opposites in the same vein of things. J grew up in the west of the city, T in the east, their families are both from eastern europe, they're both artists, though in different disciplines. The list goes on, but as amusing as the similarities are I like them for their differences. I have also noticed how comfortable and aware of each other T and I have become. When we're being intimate there's no awkward manoevering of elbows and joints and we don't have to verbalize most things, we just know. With a new lover it's thrilling because there are new things to learn and new areas to play with but at the same time, smacking your elbow into someone's nose sucks. I think laughing about it makes a huge difference though.

Anyway I am going to bed, roadtrip to Quebec with T tomorrow that I am tres excite pour.
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