Originally Posted by XYZ123
At the same time, try not to close yourself off to couples because of bad experiences. There are those who exist that strive for equality and not an accessory to fit into their life. I don't think it's any easier for couples to accept a third after years than it is for the joining single to feel equal.
I've remained open to relationships in whatever form they take. I've dated people who are parts of couples and am currently dating a lovely couple. I'm not trying to say that these are bad things in and of themselves. However, if I were to "join" a couple in some form of a triad, I would be giving up a lot more than the couple. They will have already built a life and made decisions about that life that I would never have had a voice in or been a part of. And many of those decisions that were already made would directly affect the life I have with them. That's not to say that I don't value the relationship we have, just that they have access to something that I would like, but am not going to find in that relationship with them.
I would like the privilege of building a life and making those decisions in partnership. This doesn't mean that I desire monogamy or exclusivity. I have appreciated all of the relationships I've had in all of their different forms. But I have yet to be able to find a long term poly relationship where I wouldn't have to cede that privilege to partners who are already coupled in a primary way or are couples themselves.
My point is that poly communities with their couple-centric views tend to make finding such things harder for those of us who are not "coupled".
Originally Posted by vandalin
But this set up reminds me very much of things I read in Ethical Slut. They have an entire section devoted to "Single Sluts". Although the book does seem more sexually the emotionally focused, it was still a good read.
And just as there is no one right way of having or being in a relationship, there is not one right way to be poly.
What's interesting is Ethical Slut has one small section in a chapter about this. Most of the book is geared towards people who are already in couples, as is most of the literature out there on poly.
And yeah...it's true that there is not one right way to be poly and that's a good thing, but I often find that using this phrase is a good way to dismiss concerns that may be raised by a group of people. (I don't think this was your intent at all- the context was quite the opposite and thank you for that) Issues like this continually get raised by single people and they are continually not heard (especially with the unicorn hunting). So sure, even if there's no "right" way to be poly, that can't be used as an excuse to remain ignorant of practices don't work for a large number of people and the issues behind why
they don't (even if those practices do work for some).
I often feel that single poly people are marginalized within the poly community. When such concerns have been raised by us, they are often not heard, dismissed or even worse, coddled ("But you would never be secondary if you joined us....we would treat you completely equally"). If the pronouns you use in the context of the relationship are still "we", "us" and "ours" while mine are still "I", "me", and "mine", I can't find balance that way.
Originally Posted by Mark1npt
my wife does think it a bit unfair though, since each of them has an alone night every other night while I never have to sleep alone......
That's one of the reasons why a poly V model wouldn't work for me unless I was able to have additional partners if I was on one of the arms of that V. I'm curious, Mark. How are you addressing that perceived unfairness?