Originally Posted by CielDuMatin
We're looking for testing criteria? Why? Is someone about to form some sort of certification board, or litmus test for whether a given relationship is or isn't "real" poly?
I am not going to get into debates over individual things about what is, and isn't poly - I used to try to do that and got frustrated when I couldn't. I am merely trying to point out that, in my experience, trying to do so is folly, and I am willing to provide some counter-examples. I actually like
that we can't come up with some box-like definition of what is and isn't, or how it should or shouldn't work, or what the underlying paradigms are beyond it being loving, responsible non-monogamy. As an old debating "foe" of mine used to say, as soon as you draw a box around it, you exclude people who could otherwise feel included.
Maybe I missed something in a post (I am only on here a limited amount of time a day), but what is your motivation/need to lay things down this precisely?
So... what are we trying to do here? Are we trying to come up with recommendations for principles and paradigms of how most people find poly work well, or are we trying to come up with a set of criteria to define what poly should be? Because those are two very different discussions, and I am pretty confused. (Doesn't take much, I know!
I notice that you did not answer my question, but choose to go out on a tangent that I explicitly said was not my intention. So I'm not going to repeat it.
You seem to be, in a very general way, against the very idea of finding out whether there are some foundational things we could agree upon. Could you accept that such a question may be meaningful to some, and that maybe somebody might be content with answers that you personally don't like? Oh well, probably not.
But just a small reminder, in some kind of faint hope:
In the last of these "criteria", "My poly is not your poly", your basic position is codified. I really don't understand how you could read that and still ask "or are we trying to come up with a set of criteria to define what poly should be?"
I also don't really understand how you get the impression such that you ask "Are we trying to come up with recommendations for principles and paradigms of how most people find poly work well". We're not.
Simple exercise: Negate each one of Ariakas' points. Still say this is poly?
Can keep love out of it - check
No ability to love multiple - check
No need for trust/honesty - check
No need for communication - check
No respect for my poly is not your poly - check