Originally Posted by redpepper
there are other threads on the definition of poly on here that might be of interest and help to you.... we certainly have talked about it at length!
She is so right...you can find one such thread here
, and somewhere in there is the following quote:
Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion
My Poly, isn't going to be the same as your Poly. And it doesn't need to be.
Originally Posted by kindaconfused
I was thinking 'poly' meant lots of partners or something like that.
You can find a bunch of terminology and FAQ's on a few other sites, such as this one
...which offers the following definition:
The word "polyamory" is based on the Greek and Latin for "many loves" (literally, poly many + amore love). A polyamorous relationship is a romantic relationship that involves more than two people.
Your story in general resonates with me more than a little, so I'll offer what I can...
If you're trying to get your heads around this whole thing in less than 2 months, I don't blame you... and if you do manage to capture a unicorn by the end of the 3rd,...you should probably call Ripley's....and then of course post it here since it sounds like there's plenty of people waiting to hear all about it...including me.
Seriously though, I started out in a very similar way...long term marriage, and kind of fell into the circumstances that had my wife and I start to question if we wanted to include someone else. We've gone through hunting unicorns, checking out the swinging scene, and eventually came across poly again...which contains one of the most basic elements that my wife and I were finding lacking in the swinging/just sex environments; The connection. The allowance for the relationship with others to be more than just casual acquaintance, or friends.
The whole thing with swinging vs open relationships vs poly, is that it runs on a spectrum involving sex, and love, and the importance placed on each. It may take you some time to figure out where you personally belong, and are comfortable with on that spectrum. The thing I like about poly so far, is that it takes up a really large chunk of that spectrum...so there's a lot of flexibility in how you want to live it...should you choose to do so. The only real requirements are more than one person, and some form love/relationship. For example, there's nothing saying you need to share your house with the 3rd, 4th, 5th partner in poly...you can...but you don't need to.
Some of the questions you should probably be asking yourself to help you decide where you want to go, how to get there, and if this is right for you:
Is this about sex, or love? Or both?
How close are you or your wife looking to be with the other person?
How do you feel about your wife spending non-bedroom time with the gf?
Do you need to be included? Can she go by herself? Can she have a gf that doesn't want to be with you?
Are you expecting the gf to be beholding to just the two of you?
Are you allowed to find another gf, and can you be with her with/without your wife?
Do you believe love is infinite, so having love for a second person doesn't deminish the love for the first?
Your wife is bi,...so what about a bf? Is she allowed to have one? Are you ok with her feeling love for another man? Could you just accept it...or could you feel happy for her?
This is by no means exhaustive, complete, or anything you need to answer here. These are questions you and your wife need to ask yourselves...answer yourselves...and talk about. There's no 'right' or 'wrong' answers; and the answers don't need to be set in stone. Things can change...and you can even change them. For example, I was not ok with the idea of my wife being with another man...initially. It took a lot of time and soul searching, but that answer has changed. (At least intellectually. She hasn't yet given me the opportunity to test the reality)
Which brings me to the final point I'll bring up today...(I hear the sigh of relief that you're almost finished reading...think about how I feel about almost being finished typing.
) Time...it takes time. If you are seriously thinking about non-monogamy in general...it can take time. Lots of communication, lots of discussions, and lots of soul searching. If you are going to challenge the basic assumptions and paradigms that our society is built on, then it will take time to find your way...as there's no set roadmap, and changing your own thought patterns can take time too. If you've managed to make it here in 60 days, then I seriously commend you....it took me 2 years to get around to exploring poly, and another 2 to get here...be patient...your results may differ.
I'd encourage you to look up the website I mentioned above, as well as the Misanthrope
site as well, and check out some of the resources they have...there's a lot to take in, and a lot of tools you can make use of.