Eugene, yes, you touch on some good points there. We have had that exact conversation regarding how I am comfortable with them having sex with no feelings or feelings with no sex. But it's the combination of those two elements that makes me wonder how what we have is different or special to her. Once you have emotional intimacy with someone AND sexual intimacy with someone what difference is it if you are married to them or not, might as well be. And that is when I suspect I won't feel special in this relationship any longer.
I think it's interesting that you pose the question about me wanting to change the way my emotional self looks at my need for specialness and relationships. Why would I want to change? I know I'm being potentially belligerent here, but isn't this forum about accepting one's self as they are? I like being comfortable being the one-and-only that my wife loves and is intimate with. If I changed that wouldn't I be poly?
Kat, thanks for your response. I will have to check out your blog and the advice there.
I don't think that there is anything "wrong with us" (mono spouses) or "our marriage" to have a spouse fall in love with someone else. I may not be the best husband in the world, but I certainly haven't "driven her to this". I think it was just how she's made, she found someone, connected with them, and so be it.
I agree whole-heartedly with alot of what you said. When we were first experimenting with (as you say) light-swinging, I enjoyed (and still enjoy) seeing her enjoy other men. I have no issue with that. But when it becomes more than that, and her and the guy start sharing hopes, dreams, intimacies, deeper thoughts and feelings, that does begin to tread in areas that I'm uncomfortable.