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Old 05-13-2010, 10:02 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by idealist View Post
Well...that's good!!!

I wouldn't want to date and get more serious with a person who can't emotionally handle being honest. I don't care how much I am in love with them.

I'm not saying that a person who stuggles with depression and financial security does not deserve to be in a relatioship, but if I were to enter into a relationship with a person in this situation, I would expect ongoing chaos.....because that is what you are going to have. His co-dependent relationship with his ex along with his inability to be honest is a recipe for my opinion.

I would start backing away a bit if I were you.
I agree that the situation is less than ideal. But it's so much easier for me to see the full picture, no? I know so many more dimensions of this man than I could ever capture here.

I met the guy at a psych hospital, and knew his history data points, so believe me, I went into this with my eyes open, knowing for example, that rescuing him was not on the agenda and reminding myself that he has managed to survive for 40 some odd years w/o me (a true testament to his strength and character btw). I feel grounded in the aspects of the relationship related to he and I.

It is more than unfortunate that he isn't able to be direct with her. He can and has been with me. Wait, I'm justifying and I simply don't need to. I love him and I'm not ready to end the relationship, not by a long shot.

That being said, I am keeping my eyes and ears open, and will back away if I feel it is necessary.

Let me also say this about this board--I've been a member of a slew of online groups over the years, and as I was telling my husband, this is the first one where thus far, people seem to actually say things out of caring and concern and not just a need to express an opinion. For that, I am greatly appreciative.

When I feel like this, it usually means that I need to just focus on myself. I would suggest that you pull back for a while and take a few deep breaths.
Funny, this was my therapist's suggestion as well. I think there is definitely some merit to it. And this is going to happen out of necessity, b/c dh is starting to date now too (first one tonight!), so with 3 kids and only one car, life will provide opportunities for this (evenings alone if my kids can actually manage to stop partying before 10 pm and go to sleep).

And when it blows up in his face, it will blow up in the faces and lives of anyone who is near to him.
Yes, agreed. Honestly, I view this similarly to how I view situations with my oldest son (and my other kids as well, though relevant situations have not yet arisen w/ them). He's going to make mistakes and fall on his face; we all do. I can only be there to support, and it's important that I not go "on the ride" with him so that I can be that support and not incur damage or at least minimize the damage I incur.

do occasionally get involved with people who are struggling or codependent, or addicts etc.....but it is with full awareness that the ship is eventually going down and since I don't want to do down with the ship, I look for signs of it sinking.....when I see that..... I get in my life raft and paddle away quicky.
Yep, as I view it, I didn't expect nor choose to fall in love with him, though as I type that, I have a sense that I might need to ponder that more, but in love with him I am. He's an amazing man with so much to offer. I honestly don't see this man's ship sinking, but it does take on water frequently, and that's what I see as my challenge, to not panic or lose control at those times. Quite frankly, it's been excellent training for me to keep a bit of emotional distance for my own self-preservation. It's not been my style in the past. So, I have no plans at this time to paddle away, but I will be keeping those eyes open.

Thanks for the thought provoking reply....

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