I hear you Mohegan. I swear-you might find a friend in Maca (my husband).
He did that with me several times, "I just want it all out on the table, the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth, then we'll sort it out from there."
I just COULDN'T do it. I was unable to process in my heart/mind that telling him something true-that I couldn't explain, but knew would hurt him AND would be taken wrong (he would assume it was because I didn't love him enough or that I loved someone else or more or that he wasn't good enough in bed etc) and would further damage his self-esteem...... could be a good action.
I felt like telling him the truth was dropping my guilt onto his shoulders to bare, unfairly. SO I didn't tell.
I had a lot to share-but I just couldn't do it.
Because THE WHOLE TRUTH was so complicated I didn't have words for it.
I could have said, "I had an affair". But I couldn't explain the depth of why.
I could have said, " I love you both" but I couldn't explain the depth of why.
I could have said, " I can't stop it's killing me"-and I did, but I couldn't explain why.
So telling him just seemed like a pointless game of "how badly can I hurt you before you leave".
Seemed like it would have been better to just do the best I could until I knew how.
Shitty. I know.
I still feel guilty.
I still cry myself to sleep sometimes.
There are times I don't spend with GG when I'm scheduled to, because the guilt gets to me all over again-and GG has the same issue.
Most people say I should have just left.
But that was obviously not right as well.
"Love As Thou Wilt"