I'm sorry, what does your need to be taken care of have to do with it?
Our relationship and he as a person gets ignored. This is an undeniable problem that needs dealt with. From what I have read about spouses being caregivers, they get their own "symptoms" form the illness of their spouse. His symptoms were being ignored so he looked elsewhere for comfort and a way to alleviate the symptom.
He made an agreement with you and he broke it.... why do you keep forgiving him?
I don't know how to answer that. I love him. I do believe part of why this is a repeat action has to do with problems in our relationship that instead of dealing with, we fix enough to bandage the wounds and then try to forget about it. No behaviors, for either of us are actually changed.
Does he not just have his behaviour reinforced each time because he knows you will forgive him?
Possibly. I have left. Once before we were married and once 3 yrs ago. At the point 3 yrs ago I had already started to file for divorce. He promised to never let the issues get in the way again. He promised to come to me and discuss things. About a yr ago I noticed a big change in him. He stopped caring about everything and everyone. He was only out to get what he wanted. After a lot of heart to hearts this week, I don't put that on myself or my medical issues. That was his inability to deal with some things from his past, but me not being there as a wife did play a role. This, if we make it through it, is the last time I will forgive him and he knows it. We both made eachother aware of what we were missing in the marriage. Yes he is the one that acted instead of making me aware of the problem, but we are both to blame for the problems.
I don't understand how you could put this on yourself? He could of talked to you about how your illness was affecting him. Yet, he chose to do it again?
I don't put it all on myself, but I do understand that I played a role in hid unhappiness. Yes he could have/ should have talked me. That is part of what we are dealing with and plan on discussing with a therepist.
What is it that keeps you with him exactly... ?really to me it's bordering on abusing the situation if this continues to occur over and over again. To me I see him mocking you at this point. Why? because it seems to me that anyone that feels shame and guilt because they are getting away with a behaviour resorts to mockery to make themselves feel justified....
Maybe he is, but I don't think so. I do think he wants to get his way. Who doesn't? The difference is he didn't care who he hurt in the process. Why do I stay? He gets me. He knows me. He takes care of me. When times are better, we laugh a lot together, we think a lot alike. Spiritualy I don't think I will ever connect with someone the way we have. We have a lot of likes and dislikes in common. Honestly our views on sex and what is okay and not okay are the ONLY thing we disagree on/can't find a compromise. Aside from this situation, we rarely fight. We rarely disagree. When we do, we have a healthy discussion of the situation. For whatever reason, sex and our views on right and wrong in regards to it, is our problem. I can't just throw away what we have, because he screwed up.
Red Pepper-I hope I answered your questions. Sometimes it is hard for me to focus thoughts into words on a screen. Aside from our views on sex and him acting on it instead of working things out, he is a truly amazing man. He has never hurt me (aside from the mentioned situations). He takes great care of me and we greatly enjoy our time together. We just needed to remember where we began and why. If I could remove the feelings of mistrust in regards to other women, I'd say we are on a road to recovery and actualy dealing with our problems instead of pushing them aside. We are getting back to the beging. Taking time to make sure we are both having all of our needs met, physicaly, emotionaly and sexualy. I know it is hard to understand why I am with him. I hope I was able to explain it. I'v read a lot of what you've had to say in forum and respect your opinion and thoughts on things. I may not agree, but you may not agree with me either, but I still respect and will give thought to your words.
Last edited by Mohegan; 05-11-2010 at 10:48 PM.