The purpose of this post is simply to acknowledge and share a personal discovery. It is about growth in understanding a part of who I am and excitement in the freedom it has given me.
I have spent a lot of years misinterpreting the role of sex in my relationships. For years I thought sex was just something I craved and couldn’t get enough of. I did not think there was something else I was looking for; my path to connection. Because of this I not only mis-communicated with my ex wife throughout my marriage but I also went down a terrible path leading to the break-up of my family.
It was not enough to simply try to analyse what sex brought and took away from my life even with professional help. I explored casual sex and found it empty and unfulfilling. It was not until really communicating about issues with Redpepper that I began to understand my sexuality and how connection has always been my goal and not sex.
It was through certain challenges with polyamory that I realized I needed connection before I could truly feel the intensity of sex and just how incredible it could be. I had experienced this in the past but was not mature or concerned enough to associate what I was feeling to what I was feeling
! Redpepper and me have had some interesting talks and out of the blue something got said and my body had an immediate response….cover your ears men….impotence! Some topics or comments completely removed my physical ability to have sex, my body shut down.
It was in analysing these moments that I realized “connection” was my aphrodisiac, the core of my desire for someone, and in essence my nature’s viagra! When I am connected I am extremely drawn to someone sexually. When I experience something that triggers fear, a sense of threat or makes me feel inadequate my connection is severed in that moment. It is quick and noticeable. I can actually feel my energy withdraw; there is a very real physical sensation primarily in my face that washes over me. It is uncomfortable and is impossible to hide from Redpepper. My inability to get aroused is also quite recognizable LOL! Funny now..not then.
This new awareness has given me a feeling of control, happiness and understanding in my life and my relationships. It is great! I was initially disappointed in my non "man whoring" abilities. My friends were even disappointed that I settled into a deep relationship with one person after being married for so long. I am embracing my sexuality and the role of connection. I am proud of the way it works for me, non–judgemental towards how it works differently for others and feel like I truly can enjoy passion on a whole new level with Redpepper.
For me, connection is the path to passion. Passion is not the path to connection. Sounds obvious, but it took me 37 years and a lot of challenges and not so good lessons to figure it out.
This is a new awareness that I attribute at least partly to the openness required in a polyamorous relationship. Thanks again Redpepper..the gifts keep coming Lilo, you are incredible!
Take care every one, lots of love and happiness!