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Old 05-11-2010, 07:37 PM
gingerylocks gingerylocks is offline
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 3
Default New and confused

I am new to polyamory (but old to swinging) and have a complicated situation about which I would hugely appreciate some advice. I am sorry this is so long!

In a nutshell, I am a 27 year old bi female and have recently met an older straight man with whom I get along extremely well. We have now known each other for three weeks and have spent about 5 days each week together including sleepovers.

We met online and chatted for many hours prior to meeting, during which he established that he already had one female shagbuddy and was looking for others. He considers (from what I can tell) shagbuddies to be very good friends whom he cares about and can hang out with but also shag. At the time, that was all I was looking for as well, and so we were in agreement.

However, after I had spent some time with him (after 2 coffees and a 48 hour sleepover) I realised that, in accordance with my life goals of marriage and children (with or without secondary partners - ie not neccesarily monogomy), that he was someone I could definately see myself with long-term. I make a point of not dating people I can't see myself with, and he is aware of this.

So my problem is that I have now effectively muddied the waters by falling for someone when I did not expect to. To make matters worse, I have been introduced to his other shagbuddy, and we really do not get along. At all. And we have tried to make conversation, but we are just two very different people. He knows that we don't get along and is understanding and pragmatic about it, but it seems such an unavoidable shame.

He and have discussed how I feel, and he (quite rightly) pointed out that at three weeks, he doesn't know if he could see himself with me or not. So he would like to maintain the status quo until his feelings develop (or not).

I understand this and think this is fair enough, but I am not sure how long I can allow myself to wait - I do not wish to remain in this kind of 3 person situation forever, and I feel that he will not come to a decision while he continues to get everything he wants (ie, two people to sleep with).

I do want to clarify here that he has told me that he wants to get married and have children soon and that once in such a relationship he would then like to explore other possibilities of secondary partners etc, which is exactly how I feel - I am not requesting monogamy of him (or of myself).

I do feel as though at some point he must choose what he actually wants to do. I do not want him to stop seeing her or sleeping with her if that is what he wants to do, but I DO need to know where I stand, and whether we are likely to have a future together.

So, as a result I am very confused! I am trying to be as open and honest with him as possible, but I don't want to sound demanding or unreasonable (and I don't think that I am being either of those things), but I do want him to know what my bottom line is, and to know where I stand in his bottom line.

So, if anyone has any comments, advice, warnings, rebuttals, I would be very glad to hear them!

Thankyou so much
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