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Old 05-11-2010, 01:06 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Question Sorry to be a pain, but I need support

Here's the situation--I'm married to an awesome guy, who after some initial hesitance has become open to both of us dating/loving others (I fell in love with someone first). The thread on reassuring primaries was actually very timely, he came home from visiting friends out of state, suddenly getting what I've been telling him for months--that there is NO ONE who could ever replace him. It also helped that I ended up in the ER with kidney stones on Friday (gotta find a silver lining for that one) and he realized all of the little ways that he knows me that no one else does.

Anyway, so my oso, as I've already mentioned, has a platonic primary (they used to be a couple). He refuses to be honest with her about his feelings for me and the extent of our relationship in a misguided effort to protect her and him from losing her. I know that what you all said is correct, it would be more kind in the long run to be honest with her, but I truly don't think he can handle that emotionally. He owes her thousands of dollars from the last year when he's been out of work with severe depression and feels like he truly owes her for saving his life (he explained to me that he's been homeless before and could not survive that again).

I realize that this is more than likely a rather unique situation, but it is nonetheless my reality. Last night, I received a return letter from his ex-gf, and as my dh said, she told me to f*** off about as politely as one possibly could. She made it very clear that she is not and will not ever be open to meeting me, and played on me telling her that I was a caring person by asking that I not ever attempt to contact her in any way again. My oso stayed completely out of it, never reading the letter I sent her even though I offered him the opportunity. I don't feel like I can keep this to myself--it's not how I work, and yet I don't want to add stress to him.

For the first time, I have actually been considering throwing in the towel on this relationship (with bf). I love him soo much, but I have been pummeled from all sides it seems--my friends, my family, his friend, and to a lesser extent from dh. To me, dh is the only one who has any right to provide input, and he has done so very kindly, yet it has not been emotionally easy.

This should maybe be a separate thread but I have such limited time with 3 kids to get on here that I'm going to add it here. I joined okcupid out of curiosity and to support dh. Incidentally, he and I "matched" at like 98%, a huge morale booster for both of us ;-). Anyway, men started im'ing me, and I was just enjoying the attention quite frankly. See, I've NEVER considered myself attractive, and as I've shared, have never had a fully positive experience as a sexual person. So, yeah, I was enjoying it. I had no intention on ever meeting any of these men, and would immediately let them know that I was in an open marriage, etc.

Anyway, this one guy intrigued me, so I read his profile. I'm quite intuitive and sensed that he too understood depression. I was right. So he and I have formed an online friendship; both dh and bf know, but don't understand that I have actually come to like the guy (initially he came on really strong, and feeling bold, I told him so, at which point he totally turned it down).

I would like to meet him and yes, even possibly date him. I have been totally up front with him--so he knows the situation and he's not run away yet. But all of the sudden, things feel overwhelmingly complicated and all of this and some other difficult life events of late (the kidney stones actually being somewhat low on the list believe it or not) make me just want to hide.

I definitely need support, but I'd also like whatever practical ideas you all may have for helping my bf to become open to meeting my dh, who has so kindly extended that offer (remember that bf has severe depression and anxiety, including social anxiety) and to understanding that not talking to his ex is only going to blow up in his face in the long run.

Aye, I can never be brief.


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