The story of J and AK
Let me tell you the story of J and me. Maybe that will help.
J and DH work together. And well before I found out about them or she and I were friends DH met her and hung out with her as friends. We had often talked about threesomes and talked about having her as one of our partners.
Now you need to understand the threesomes with DH and I. J was not our first. She was just our first that I believed was successful. The first one was with a friend that kind of just happened one night. We were all rather drunk. And at the end of it I was in a horrible state. I was so mad at myself for not being sober and in better control with something like this. I had just watched my husband have sex with another woman and didn't handle it to well. I was crazy jealous and very vulnerable.
A couple of years passed. We slowly started mentioning trying this again. I remained friends with this girl. But we never did anything or mentioned it with her again. Well DH's brother had a female roommate who was well known for being easy. So we asked her to join us one night. But basically she was a bitch. Wanted nothing to do with me the whole time. And afterwards stalked my husband. Sadly she was one of the people he cheated on me with later on. And that hurt more than J. Because he knew how much I hated and didn't trust her. And he did it anyways. She tried to get him to leave me and even said she would make a better mother than me. They only slept together one night. But that night has hurt for months, since I found out and will continue to hurt.
Then he met J. They became friends. He often talked and bragged about her. I became worried he was interested in her. He insisted he wasn't. But they were always together at work. Texted and called each other after work. I really didn't like it. So one day he had left his IM logged on while he was out and she sent him a message. Now I could have been sneaky and pretended to be him but I decided against it at the time. I told her it was me and next thing I knew we were talking about how much I didn't trust her and didn't necessarily approve of her relationship with my husband. She said she understood and insisted there was nothing between them.
She and I continued to talk via Instant Messanger over the course of a few weeks. We got to know each other a little bit at a time. I still had my reserves about her. I still didn't trust her or her relationship with DH. But I had no proof not to bring it to the surface...yet. So the talk of threesomes came up several times. i thought ok, fine, if he wants some kind of sexual act to happen, let it be a threesome. That way I am there. I am involved. I didn't know about the others at this point. I thought he was still following the rules that we both be involved. I also didn't know they had fallen in love. That really hurt when I found that out.
So we had the threesomes...twice. Me believing the whole time we were all on the same track, same level. Then I found the text....and she and I were through as what was beginning to be a friendship.
I took her off every friend list I had, my phone, my email. I sent her a very nasty email telling her off. This week her daughter, who is the same age as mine, ended up in the hospital.
I started aching so horribly. There was this little baby in the hospital and a mother praying for her health. It wouldn't have been so hard on me had I not been through that with my daughter a few months before. My daughter had open heart surgery at 2 months old. She is doing wonderful now.
I checked in on J everyday. I allowed DH to check in on her with my presence. One of the times I read the text when he wasn't looking and found the parts where he told her that after a little time he would be with her again.
I cried, I hurt, I begged for something, anything to make this go away. I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted to die. And one of the parts I hated more than anything was that I missed her too. I wanted so much to hate her. But something inside me wouldn't let me. Maybe it was me having sympathy for her situation with her daughter.
Finally, a few days after she came home with her baby I asked her to meet me online. We had it out. I asked some hard questions. Including if she loved my husband. She admitted she did. I asked her why she lied to me about nothing being between them. She knew what had happened with the girl that had stalked my DH. Not that he later cheated with her. I didn't know at this point myself. But she knew this girl stalked him, and treated me like dirt and that DH did nothing to not persuade her. J insisted she would never threaten my marriage like that. She was married as well, only they both were poly.
But They both lied. They both hurt me. They both stripped away all trust. I am trying to rebuild it with them. And actually J has been more honest with me than DH at times. They know I will read their text now. They don't know I found their emails from before the threesomes. I was so angry that I did those under false pretenses. When I found out about them they both said it had only been going on for about a week. I found naked pictures she had sent to him from about a month before. And other things they had said to each other. We had all been together during this time, them both saying it was about helping me feel better, not them. But it was about them.
J and I talk every day. We have had to rebuild what we had but like DH and I, we are stronger for it. I often credit her for saving my marriage because I believe it to be true. My marriage was falling apart before I found out and I never realized it. Neither of us did. We were ignoring everything, not caring. But we are trying now. We are talking. We never talked before. We just ignored each other and pretended to be happy. If J didn't help keep him on track with talking to me we would not have made it.
I know she feels guilty for what happened. I do feel like I never had a choice in the poly lifestyle. But I do have a choice on how I deal with it from here on out. I choose to work with them because I know my husband loves me now. I never really knew it before. I know it now. And I know he is willing to work with me and as long as I can see him put in the effort that I know I am then we can make it.
I will probably always hold the fact that they took away my say so. They never asked me if it was ok to become poly or explain how they felt. Everyone lied. Especially DH. J didn't know about the others either. I made him tell her. It was only fair. Now I don't let a day go by without making him tell me everything about the day. I do question and wonder and picture the worst things possible in my head but I still make them talk. I tell them that although it is hard and awkard, they can't leave anything to the imagination. Your mind is your most dangerous tool right now. It will warp every situation and tear you apart.
I hope this helped. Good Luck.
Last edited by redpepper; 05-11-2010 at 07:00 AM.