I've been there
I've been in your shoes. My husband has cheated multiple times. The hurt was deep and still lingers. When he met J, he fell in love with her. That was what made this time different from the others. They had an affair before I found out as well. Although, they have both said there was no bedroom sex. It was all oral and sex talk when by the time I found out. I found out before it got any further than that.
They did not tell me. My baby daughter was playing with his phone. I took it away from her so she wouldn't break it and under the threads I noticed one was addressed to someone named Kitten. And suspicion sparked and I read it. And I knew what was happening and I went numb and finally confronted him that evening after I put my daughter to bed. We had it out. He did not confess to the others that night. That took another couple of weeks of talking and fighting. I told him if the lying didn't stop I would leave. For now even with the cheating I was willing to work it out but he had to be completely and totaly honest and never lie. If I ask a question or want to see his phone he has to be open to doing so without a chance to edit what I might see.
He has complied with all of my requests. I have allowed him and J to continue their relationship, including intimacies. He and I have done so much communicating that it hasn't been easy. We still have our set backs. And he has messed up with the lying a couple of times. Not with her surprisingly, just his where abouts for a couple of nights. But he was quick to put things right. And he knows I still read his phone. I don't think he knows how often and it probably isn't right. But the trust thing is still an issue. A big issue. I am working very hard to trust him again.
J and I talk as well. So I might suggest talking with his gf. I know its hard and you might not want to but if they are going to have a real relationship it is so important. Make yourself ask the hard questions, even if you think you might not want to know the answers. Make them answer those questions. Poly life is hard enough. Adding the cheating is ten times worse. I have a blog in this section of the website. I am Blog of the Mono Wife. It is my journey through poly with a cheating husband.
J and I have become very good friends. And when either of them hurt, I hurt. There are others on here that have dealt with SO getting involved with this choice after a marriage has been developed. Not all were cheaters.
When I first found out all hell broke loose. I demanded he cut off all contact with her. Only see her at work when he had to. They work together so it made things harder all the more. That didn't work. Being the cheater and liar type then he continued to text her. Telling her to give it time and he could be with her again. I found those texts again, this time purposely getting into his phone. I cried more, for another two days at least. I told him I read that too. And finally told him that if he could just stop lying to me I would work with him. I would allow this lifestyle. But he could never lie to me again.
We have become closer than we have in years. We have found a new love again. We are happy and growing in our marriage. We haven't been happy in about 3 years. Instead we were just going through the motions. He cheated with about 3 women at least. They were all pass thrus. J is the one he fell in love with.
If you need to talk or anything please PM me. I have been through this. I am still going through this. I found out back in February. Between the week of my birthday and Valentine's no less. Talk about a ruined week of what should have been romance and fun. But life isn't easy. Just worth it. I am here if you need me.
Last edited by redpepper; 05-11-2010 at 06:55 AM.
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