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Old 05-10-2010, 06:36 PM
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rolypoly rolypoly is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 350

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
First of all needs to me are always positive. If they aren't, then they are not a need but a want and I need to look deeper to find the need behind the want.

For instance. If I were jealous of Roly spending time with Nerdist I would first look at my want for Nerdist to pay attention to me while I whine about his lack of attention. What I need is time with him in order to feel he loves me and appreciates me. My need is to feel loved and appreciated... it has nothing to do with who he spends his time with. So what shall I do about it? Go and find people who love and appreciate me and/or ask him to actively show me that he loves and appreciates me (I even tell him what I want him to do or say sometimes so that I don't set him up. It's so easy to make assumptions and have expectations that people will some how magically know what you want.... I digress....).
Oh, I'm in NVC geek lala land. LOL!!!

I was going to reply to this thread and talk about Maslow. Actually, RP, it was you who said to me at the first poly meet I went to "What about what you want?". I was saying that I didn't need a relationship because I could meet all my own needs. This was said out of a lot of fear and hurt though and for my true happiness, not just for survival and sustenance, I need to be loved, to share love, to be included, to belong....

So, it really depends on what level you're looking at it. If we're talking about survival, we don't need much more than air, water, food, sleep.

My ex 'E' and I talked about Maslow's hierarchy when I was living with him and he was having a complete breakdown. He would say things about how what I was needing and requesting in the relationship (checking in with me, hugs) were selfish of me to ask for because his most basic needs like sleep weren't being met.

So, maybe it also depends to what level you feel you deserve or feel you want to meet your needs.

RP, I really hope you don't get jealous about Nerdist and me spending time together. And I'm sure you already know and I don't need to say it that if you're ever needing his love and appreciation, I would like to facilitate having those needs met for you, even if it's just a matter of stepping back for a bit.

It's so liberating to get to the root of what the need is. And I love that you actually tell the person what you want to hear. I've only recently learned this. I used to think "If he loves me, he'll...." and it felt disingenuous to me if someone did something because I wanted them to. Now I understand much more that we all have different ways of meeting our needs and so being clear about what my needs are and having people in my life who are willing to help me meet them, well, that's love!!
My heart is too big to fit into one person.
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