The Goddess Said To The Mortal
Rereading what I wrote derail is too strong a term. It wasn't a huge emotional impact more like something I wasn't expecting. But it is good to hear that it is eventually something I will get completely used to.
I wanted to discuss another issue, motif that I've been investigating lately, which is my relationship with E. Officially he is a very good friend of T and me but under that there has been a ridiculously strong attraction that I have had for him for almost the entire two years I have known him. He is someone with whom I have a huge amount of chemistry I feel but is also someone who I usually feel extremely comfortable around. This is something I have trouble with around most people since I can be very hard on myself and a little socially anxious. E and I have connected on many different levels and there is a pretty strong possibility that I have deeper feelings for him but I am not ready to address those yet, in part because I am so content with how our relationship is at the moment.
T and E are also very close and I know that they are very open with each other and find a lot of comfort in that. Lately they have both been talking about being attracted to each other though neither of them are terribly experienced with men though they both identify as bisexual. They have also said that because they have been friends for over five years, E was T's residence don when they were in university at one point, it is a question of finding where the line between friend and lover? (not sure if that's the right word yet) can be crossed or doesn't exist. I think they are negotiating this but I am trying to give them room to talk things out and I know one of them will update me if anything important comes up or if they need to talk things out.
In January T, E and I had a threesome and it was...probably the most fun I have had in this kind of situation ever. We have all agreed that we would like this to continue but E was living in Detroit (he's back now but very busy). Since T and I are moving away in August this gives a bit of a narrow timeframe but I am not pushing for anything. Mostly I am content to just get to actually see E again when I get the chance because he lives about an hour away by bus. E has also been trying to hookup with other women since he feels he missed out in Detroit and we all agreed to wait for a little while until he was able to start accomplishing this.
This was all fine but things have gotten a little tense for me lately due to a woman named A. She, T and I had talked about playing together (we're all into a bit of BDSM, A more so) but nothing has come of it though she still pops up from time to time and it has messed with me a little bit because every time we try to arrange a date she is always too "busy" but has lots of stories about other playdates with other people. She hasn't come straight out and said she isn't interested but I've been getting very mixed signals, not helped by the fact that she was the one who made the initial approach. In addition to this I can honestly say she is one of the hottest women I have ever seen and incredibly confident, smart, involved in the fetish community etc. I wouldn't say I am jealous of her but I can sometimes feel very inferior when she is around.
Anyway, E, A, T and I were at a fetish night earlier this month and for most of the night it had been E, T and I playing together with A dropping in sporadically. At one point we were at the bar when A came over and suddenly she and E disappeared into the crowd on the dancefloor and T found them experiencing a pretty intimate moment. It kind of made me feel like since she was around T and I were suddenly invisible and I almost left the area to go to another part of the club because it made me feel very down when they just kind of left like that. I'm still trying to figure out what that emotion was, all I know is that it wasn't good. T ended up pulling me over to them and they invited us to join and for awhile it looked like there were going to be four of us that evening instead of three, which I was pretty delighted with. However on the ride back A announced that she had someone waiting for her at home and couldn't join and then E decided he would rather just go back to his place. I had a nice night with T but I felt like everything just fell apart because of A joining in and then changing her mind and I'm starting to feel very inferior to her. It's really not a pleasant feeling and I am not used to it, I think for being female and my age I'm a pretty confident person when it comes to sexuality but A can really make me feel like I'm the wallflower at the back of the class who no one is interested in at all.
Since then E and A have started a casual relationship and it's really messing with me because I don't feel like I can talk to E about it right now since there was a miscommunication about an event he was supposed to attend and didn't so he could be with A and I feel like I may have come out of that looking a little too needy for my comfort. I also feel like since it is now a possibility for him to be with A why would he be interested in me at all? A and I have been compared to each other all through school, I still get called a mini-version of her (I started a few years behind her) which I know should be a compliment but I think subconciously I've been taking it in more of a negative light. These insecurities are not normal things for me and it doesn't help since I know T is also interested in pursuing a solo thing with A and I'm pretty sure she is with him so basically it's me she's not interested in and if E and T both get to be with her then where do I fit in? I feel like if I had a straight answer from A about whether or not she is actually interested in playing and if no then a why would be appreciated, that would really help me sort things out in my head. I don't know though. This is the most tangled up I have felt in ages.