Originally Posted by rpcrazy
Well of course i'd let her set the rules!!! hahah. But I completely dis-agree with your "weakest-link" theory. Naturally, the most insecure person is the person who is going to try and set the rules. Because rules make life safe, and that's why insecure people need them. While, i don't think that's fair, it's inevitable really...there's no way around it in a loving and understanding relationship. However I don't agree to your notion that automatic contention is what's right and just. It's the DUTY of the insecure to become more security with their reality, just as much as it the DUTY of the stronger link to be just that, a strong link and support to the lesser. I pride myself in my ability to change, and be versatile to all obstacles in life, and i expect no less from others. To remain stagnant is to beckon death.
K, can I just say here... for the record, as I seem to have created this poly rule unknowingly, that I made that assumption way back last year, that the weakest link would be willing to rise to the occasion and move forward. I was referring to Nerdist when I said it and he did and has risen to the occasion and we no longer have issues regarding his fear of what is happening in our family and relationship. Just as I don't have any NRE with poly or Mono anymore. A smidge with Derby though...
still, the course is set and it's far easier this time around. We are already a poly family and the change has occurred.
I think you are right rpcrazy, it is important that when "the one who is struggling the most," as I now say instead as I don't like the term "weakest," is creating boundaries because they are scared in uncharted territories, that they realize that they are temporary. They need to realize that boundaries need to be fluid... the one that is barreling forward needs to realize that too and be patient, extra loving in their words and actions and both need to take breaks to catch their breath from being fearful and, on the flip side, being in NRE with another or poly itself.