So new, I don't know what I'm doing
I've had feelings off and on for a woman for the last four years; known her for five years.
A few months after we talked about our feelings for each other, I got married. That may sound harsh - but she and I only spoke online and on the phone, and live hundreds of miles apart, and I got engaged well before I knew her. When I did mention my feelings for her to my husband, he didn't seem too horribly angry, but he was also uncomfortable with the idea of me wanting anything to do with anyone else.
I stopped talking to her shortly after I got pregnant, but it was due to my overreaction to something trivial. I was on an ego trip and expected everyone to fawn over me, I guess. She didn't, and I was furious.
A year and a half later, I started talking to her again, a little here and there, terrified that she would reject even a simple hello from me. After all, I felt like she had the right to do that. What I did was really bitchy. I'm well aware of that.
But in the last year and a half that we've resumed our conversations, I've come to the realization that I do still have feelings for her. I've had difficulty sleeping because of it, wondering if I should say anything and how she would react.
I told her today, letting her know that I knew I was springing it on her out of nowhere and that I would understand if she wanted to stop speaking to me. She said she would never want to stop talking to me. I'm not sure what this means for us exactly... neither one of us is willing to travel to meet the other one, it seems. But I'd be content with talking online or on the phone, like we do now, anyway.
I'm not even sure she returns the feelings anymore, either.
I feel like maybe I've been heading here my whole life. As a teenager, I used to think that I would end up losing my virginity in an unconventional way, and it nearly happened - but I didn't know the guys well enough that made the offer, and I had enough respect for myself that I wasn't going to compromise my integrity just for sex.
What bothers me is that I'm not sure how to tell my husband any of this. I feel like he would want a divorce, and I don't. We both went into this relationship eight years ago, with the idea that it would be the two of us. I never represented myself falsely. This is something I did want. Now I just happen to have feelings for two different people, and I want to act on those feelings with the second person, assuming she's interested.
Yes, I'm getting a lot ahead of myself here, since I don't know what she's going to say, once she's had time to think about everything. I detest lying, and cheating is just another form of that. I'd never do that to my husband. But I love her, and I want her.
Do I wait until she says she's interested before I say anything to him? I don't see a need to make a big deal out of this if it's going nowhere. I just needed to tell her.
How do I find a therapist I can talk to that won't dismiss my feelings as me being dissatisfied with my marriage? If I wasn't happy, I wouldn't be here.
And I know this is too much to hope for, but are there any magic words to make my husband see that I'm not just being slutty?