Finally admitting it to myself
I'm a 40 year straight female. I have been in a very stable happy relationship for 20 years (married for 17 of those years) with a mono man. In the last year and a half I have been involved in a polyamorous relationship with a long term friend of mine and my husbands. This is all with my husband's knowledge and permission.
The first ten months of so I felt extremely guilty.I ran the full range of emotions. I had many days of self hatred and depression because of it. Why couldn't I give my friend up. What kind of wife am I. Why is my husband so understanding. Before doing internet research I had never even heard of polyamory. When I did hear about it, it's like a lightbulb went off. I was not a freak, not involved in something ultimately wrong. It's perfectly normal for some people. I can't tell you how much of a relief this was.
My friend & I live our own lives (he lives 70 miles away) and he has a girlfriend. However,we share a deep connection as friends & as lovers. This in no way harms my marriage or takes away from it. It actually makes me appreciate my husband more. My husband and I have discussed the poly angle in depth and he feels he is not, but he supports me in it. I have not fully discussed it with my friend, but we both acknowledge we are both poly. I have not 'came out' to our other friends because I feel there might be some judgement. However, in the mean time I'm extremely happy to know I have something that many people do not have the mindset to allow themselves to have.
Thanks for reading and for having this great community to share with.