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Old 05-08-2010, 12:59 PM
capricorny capricorny is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Sub-ultima Thule
Posts: 65
Default Adaptation is not only up to you

Originally Posted by Zenchild View Post
Thanks so much for the comments so far...much appreciated.

I guess I did not make this clear but I've stopped most contact with my friend, which btw was never more physical other than hugs and hand holding because I wasn't about to go down the road of having an affair. We are JUST friends though I wish it could be more. In fact i'm working on coming to terms with the fact that my husband may very well ask me to let go of that connection and move forward with a clean slate (ie. perhaps see other people but not this particular person). I'm not sure how I feel about that yet, other than the thought is incredibly painful...but i'm open to considering that as well as discuss any and all options for 'agreeing' what boundaries we need.

Yes, sex IS important and most definitely will be part of this discussion. I prefer to not really go into detail on that aspect of things here on the boards but I'm all ears if anyone wants to share.

I should point out we have very close friends who are poly, as well as friends who are in open relationships simply for sexual reasons, AND other friends who are happily 'unmarried' life partners and child we are child free. These concepts are not totally new to him but I understand we'll BOTH need baby steps moving forward with this.
I beg to differ here. Poly without sex can be much more than friendships, and as many swingers are acutely aware of, soul mating can be far more threatening to an existing relationship than physical mating. And - if your life partner stops having sex with you because of physical constraints, but you continue that activity with a metamour - your life partner doesn't instantly become "just a friend", as opposed to the "real poly" sex partner, does he?

And in this case, that aspect may possibly be used as a stepping-stone. It' would of course just be stupid to try to conceal that you are, ultimately, after the "real" thing, but if your husband cannot even accept that you are very close to another man _without_ sex, there is little use to go any further. That path could, possibly, have involved swinging, which seems like a dead end in this case.

I think you both need to come to terms with the fact that you have different needs and orientations right now. You have to adapt to each other in order to just not simply grow apart, and that adaptation is not only up to you. Even though the concepts and practices are not new to him, I think it is reasonable to move very slowly forwards at first. Making it clear that some things are going to change over time now, no matter, but that he can have a huge influence on how.
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