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Old 07-17-2009, 06:27 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

we talked about this in depth tonight, my husband and I.... Mono was playing with our boy, a nice treat for us as it is hard to talk when he is around.... I asked him what makes him so good at it and I not. He disagreed that I wasn't good at it, just that I saw something in the choice he made with a woman he dated recently and I turned out to be right that is it was a bad match. He also agreed that he wasn't very communicative about what was happening and wasn't telling me what I needed to here, that is that he was in no way interested in her as a replacement of me and that he loved me....

The biggest question answered for me was that he is able to have deep compersion when he has a strong self esteem. He said there is no need to be jealous when he is doing what he wants in life and fulfilling his own dreams. His dreams include my happiness and a common goal in finding people in our lives that seek out similar ideas of poly. I'm sure that helps, but really, he also has the goal of us staying together and really believes that we will. We had a battle this winter that came to a head one day and it was a matter of deciding if we would move forward together or not... that moment of deciding to stay together pushed us off to new depth in our relationship and made us feel stronger so that we could move forward into getting what we need out of life. In essence, these pivotal moments of realization make my love stronger and bring me to a state of energy that is the like of a new relationship, even after 8 years of marriage. I am getting off topic... sorry

He is able to go and do his own thing and be happy I am doing mine. At the end of the day we come home and wrap up our day with the news that we are getting out of this life everything we want. We don't own each other, but live side by side in our relationship and in our love. This seems to help our compersion greatly in all areas of our lives.

Please remember that I don't push him either. I realize there is only so much he can take before becoming fearful and losing that self esteem. I know that if I am constant with showing him how much I love him in a way that he understands and makes him feel loved (anyone read "the five love languages?"), then he will have no need to fall into jealousy and doubt because I have given him no reason to.
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