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Old 05-07-2010, 07:25 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872

Originally Posted by rpcrazy View Post
"What if they're better?"-which makes them worse?
Now I know a common counter to this argument is something like, "it's not a race" and alot of other great and wonderful concepts that we poly people pride ourselves on(you know you do :P). However, this is something I encountered while having an intelligent argument with my g/f.
What if, the reason why the person is insecure about you leaving, or doing something just as drastic; if you find some cuter, smarter, "better"; is because most likely they would do it too!? Because that's just how they think or something like that? Can you really change a person? If are like that, how do you recognize it? What if you're already in love with this person?
The assumption being that they are insecure because they may leave if they find what they are looking for. To be honest, it happens, at least according to what I have read. I think it happened to someone posting here who is newly single. I think thats a risk you take whether mono or in a poly.

Changing a person is hard, you need to build that trust and hope you get to that point. Whats ironic is realizing that your partner doesn't trust you as much as you thought.

What if it's something that can't be tackled. For instance, my girlfriend is a stereotypically meaty italian jewish woman who grew up idolizing the barbie figure and straight-narrow nose(hence most jewish women get plastic surgery). She hates blondes, and is super insecure about her appearance because she has a thyroid problem. In a situation where we were in a poly relationship, and I started falling for a women who was more fit or whatever form would make my g/f jealous, how would we handle that?
You can't choose who you like. My ex-gf is a stunning blonde with blue eyes that can dig into your soul. My wife is a beautiful brunnette/red with silver hairs (which I find hot) that carries a little extra. Her eyes glimmer with joy...she is stunning to look at.

Physically both are different, previous to that I dated (and excuse the term, this is what she called herself) a bull dyke. 5'2, cropped hair, butchy as hell (big ole knee high docks )...

My point...sorry I gotta say this is a "suck it up" moment. I am very envious of the qb types. 6 foot, trim and fit without even trying. I see women throwing themselves at these guys (actually in this town its 5'7 snowboarders)...I am not that guy (more like a defensive lineman...). Would I stop my wife from dating a guy who I am naturally envious I have to suck that up and realize that I have the time in with my wife, I have my own pieces she likes...just not a washboard stomach

When does it stop?
One of the things we constantly talked about was when would it stop, and '"when does it stop"? She was always in her thinking some fantasy where through the course of 20 years i'd be dating and having sex with tons of women. When I told her, polyamory was more about love and romantic relationships, she went along that line of thought and was asking, "so when does it stop? When you have kids with like 2 or 3 other people" "what makes me special???"
When you start running out of time. haha...24 hours, 7 days...not nearly enough time. You start taking into account YOU time...I don't think you will find yourself dating too many people at once.

Of course, there is a certain someone on here who has the magic time scheduler ...I really need to exist in a place where I can have her clock hahaha

she would also ask, when we would eventually go back to normal, lol. something like, "it has to stop when we have kids. They would get confused, what about the family, my family would never condone that!" I couldn't never explain to her what being poly and being a poly relationship was all about. How do you give your partner a clear concise REAL picture of what it is?
Thats an individual question with answer. But if she gets pregnant, are you just gonna drop the girls like dirty laundry?...that doesn't leave a lot of confidence for any of your secondaries...

Pengrah and I when we were dating E actually started to toss around the idea of having all three of us in a family. That means, to us, decisions, roles everything would be shared to some degree. If someone got pregnant, we all got pregnant...

This was our biggest issue. Which was funny because, she knew I had a 5 year old (turning 6 in JULY!!!) already, but...whatever. What If I had a child with another women that i loved BEFORE her? Would she become the "primary"? Or what if the other women didn't believe in abortion or the pill or anything? She's always have to worry about it.
Stop worrying about labels and ride the wave. ps you HAVE to define your birthcontrol and std methods. If you are going with someone who refuses to use a condom or birthcontrol and you don't want kids...this is the same freaking answer whether poly or mono...

Now I know a lot of these issues are mostly for younger people. As you get older, you start to realize what's important, and what's...less, important. But again, it's good to discuss. Any thoughts?
What exactly is older and when do those concerns change hahaha...
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