I know you don't come on here much, so I'm thankful that you participated in this thread, Nerdist.
Hee hee, I think LR has a crush on Nerdist too.
I think there's a lot for everyone to think about and that's ok, it's all part of adjusting to new connections. I'm also really grateful that such emotionally intelligent, caring and smart people are on here. You all realize you're amazing, right?!
I want to be clear that the topic of children is big not because
of this situation. It's definitely something I've grappled with for several years, but because of my health. I'm an external processor (it doesn't make sense until I've written it, spoken it or placed it outside of myself in some way) and so just acknowledging that "...dating someone who's married doesn't necessarily need to close the door on other possibilities" is all I really needed.
I know that if I am meant to be a mom, in the biological sense, that I will. And it's very clear that whoever comes into my life will need to fit into my poly lifestyle because it's who I am. So, I really don't see how whether or not I'm involved with someone - and who I'm involved with - has to shut any doors on the possibility of my having biological children. This is a very freeing thought.
The only part that scares me is discovering that I am not physically able to have a child, but this is a whole other topic.
In light of "there are multiple ways for it to be worked out-but you really have to find the right fit for you (and the people you are with)".... I would say that the most exciting and beautiful part is that it's an organic, co-creative process. And when you're doing it with people you love and who love you, well, whatever the outcome is, it's so wonderful to evolve into it together...
I also notice that a lot of the focus has been on me and the questions I'm having. I am imagining that everyone is giving me a lot of space and support to sort out my own needs and fears. But, I also know that there must be stuff coming up for everyone, not just me.
What's it like to have a family already established and have someone come in and change things around? It must be very scary to like someone and know that the commitments/arrangements already in your life could potentially scare them away? What's it like to accept someone into your life knowing that eventually, it might mean accepting even more people (the ones that new person may bring in)?
One thing I'm noticing in myself - and I would love to hear if anyone else resonates with this - is that the way I feel is directly affected by the circumstances. My relationship to people changes based on their relationships. First because being someone's "girlfriend" in a monogamous relationship conjures up all these expectations for myself and it takes an enormous amount of work for me to get past the "role" I feel I'm supposed to play and often ends up putting a lot of stress onto the relationship. I'm really not good at it. I'm noticing in myself that I feel so much less pressure knowing that I'm not the only person involved, so I can just be me.
I'm noticing that I like different people different ways. This has always tripped me up in the past. I used to think that if I didn't have that instant spark, that any feelings that developed slowly aren't the right kind, or the kind that could sustain something long-term. And those feelings constantly change when I see different sides to a person, so I used to think that if there were times I wasn't sure, it meant something was wrong.
I'm also finding it interesting that my feelings extend beyond how I feel about one person. How do I explain this... (splaying myself so openly on here had better help someone who stumbles onto this site and finds him/herself in a similar situation because this is intense and vulnerable and... phew... ). I'm developing feelings for not only how I feel about what I know of Nerdist, in and of himself, as a person, and the way we connect, but also for his relationship to RP, to his son and to the life he's created. Does that make any sense? Somehow I worry that this is a sign of something wrong because I know that I would feel differently if we were two single people hooking up.
I'm going to say it: is this normal?!
(I think we should invent "Poly Awards". And the winner of this year's "Most Transformed form Intense Inner Work" goes to.....)