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Old 05-07-2010, 01:21 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117
Default Some obstacles we are experiencing

When I posted that last thread about my mother, one of the members (I forgot the screen-name, sorry) suggested that if my husband isn't *totally* ok with our poly-relationship, then I'm cheating. I must say I felt more than a little defensive since I have gone out of my way to be respectful of his wishes.

He came to *me* and said that bf and I could resume our sexual relationship. Regrettably, bf and I did initially commit infidelity which began the exploration into polyamory, but since then dh and I have been having open dialogue.

He first consented to us remaining friends b/c he understood that bf filled a role for me that he could not (bf and I both suffer from PTSD and major depression), and then as time went on, and in talking with his best friend who is in an open relationship, dh realized that he was torturing himself--that no matter whether he consented to us being friends or lovers, he would wonder if I was seeing him AND that my love for bf was not a threat to my love for him. I spent several days talking with him about it, and it was clear that it was freeing for him to not obsess. Another data point is that a therapist suggested to him that maybe he would enjoy having a relationship with a woman w/o quite so much baggage (sex can be very difficult for me).

He is currently trying to pursue a relationship with a woman, but it is slower going than he hoped and I notice that when he is feeling disappointed there, he expresses hesitance about my sexual relationship with my bf. I replied to him that if he wants us to put that on hold, we will, even though obvee bf and I would not want to. He has requested this and bf and I will respect it.

Last week, he went out with a poly vee group local to us, and they gave him several helpful suggestions--one of them being to think of things that he and my bf could do together. He has been working on that and really trying hard. Of course bf feels much too anxious to even consider it at this point.

Bottom line is that it seems to me that it is "normal" (I really have a dislike for this word in general) for him/us to do a bit of a dance with it. I feel that as long as we have open and honest communication and are respectful of the other and their wishes, I am NOT cheating on him.

Now enter major obstacle #2 mentioned above: My bf's anxiety. Dh is willing to explore activities with him, but bf is too anxious. He's only reluctantly willing to meet and spend time with my kids. And I shared already that he's "met" my mother (and is still having anxiety aftershocks from that).

He just told me recently that he sees our relationship as not being long-term. This was more than a bit of a blow to me, and initially I thought "why the heck am I taking all of this heat if he's just going to end it shortly?".

Turns out that it comes from two places: his fears of becoming more deeply involved in our family *and* his ex-girlfriend. She's really doing a number on him emotionally, albeit unintentionally. She wants first dibs on his time. He's *really* struggling with it and despite my urgings to be honest with her, he is too afraid of losing her. He truly believes that she saved his life and just can't bear to have the convo that we both know he needs to have with her.

I knew this would be challenging, but had no idea how much so.

Not sure what I'm looking for, maybe just for you all to understand the situation a bit better so that it might inform replies to future questions I may have.

Still riding the waves...

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