Originally Posted by 4erika
Now I know that some of you don't like to label people as Primary and Secondary, but in our agreement, I am Primary and anyone else is secondary. I have self-esteem issues (don't we all?) and I need to know that I am number 1 in my husband's life. I know that I would probably feel a little more confident if I had a second in my life, but I'm not going to pursue that right now. I'm just going to keep that in mind and try to be as generous with my husband as I would be if I too had a romantic relationship with someone else. I don't want to be the kind of woman who only goes along with it when she too has someone else in mind. I know how good my husband feels right now with his newfound love and I would not want to take that from him.
So, I talked with my husband and explained my feelings...even telling him how silly it seems to me. I don't know why I feel this way, but I do and I need to address it so I don't start feeling resentful. Basically, I just asked him to not use the husband and wife labels when communicating with C. Sure they are just words, but apparently those are my jealousy triggers and him agreeing to change that simple thing has made me feel much better. I guess we all need a little reassuring at the beginning of a new relationship.
So that's where we are for now. I look forward to getting to know some of you. And I appreciate hearing your stories and how you deal with similar issues.
Welcome aboard. I use labels with my own husband right now. I am a mono, he is poly with a gf. His gf and I are friends as well. She is poly as is her husband. And we all are fully aware of who is pimary and secondary in all of these relationships.
I would say first of all to conquer the resentment is start your own friendship wih C. J and I are very good friends and being able to talk things over with her and having her reassure me of her intentions has made a huge difference.Although I still have my doubts and stressful and insecure times. My blogs are a sure fire proof of that. But over time I have come to except her as one of my closest friends.
And there is nothing wrong with letting your husband know what makes you comfortable and what doesn't. Just keep these conversations. Repeat them often as possible. Re-address them when you feel your comfort level changing, be flexible. What I mean by that is let them change as you grow. Just because you set a guideline in the beginning doesn't mean it has to be like that forever. Don't ever let a thought of unhappiness go unrecognized. And you will be fine. Let even the most tedious seeming thought be voiced and never let your imagination get the better of you. Mine is very poisonous if I don't stay on top of it make J and DH talk to me every step of the way.