Merging into compersion
With all the talking about compersion lately I sat down to some serious self evaluation this weekend. Originally, when DH and I started with this poly lifestyle about three months ago I put out a bunch of rules so that I could feel safe and secure. I mentioned this on a previous blog how I asked that he give me a couple days notice before he goes over to J's so that I can make sure I am in a good place. Through much thinking and consideration as to how I am doing with accepting all of this I decided yesterday it was time to get rid of that rule. They can't always do that. Sometimes they need some unexpected time together. And I feel I am ready to make the next step in all of this of not needing so much time before hand to be ready for them to be together. Sometimes you can't predict when you need someone and all the parties involved need to work together to make sure all the needs are met.
Go Me! I know that I am getting somewhere. I am not ready to lift all the requrements I have asked for right now. I still need my nights afterwards, but I think I am getting better there. But knowing that I don't need quite an extended period of time to prepare shows that I am moving forward with all of this. I hope to be comfortable enough to lift more in the next couple of weeks. But I realized this weekend I can't just keep these rules in place permanently. There needs to be room for growth, otherwise we are just standing still and no one is learning anything and that will eventually lead to a rut and misery. I hope I am on the right track to compersion here. I simply told him and her if there comes a night where they need or want to be together I will be fine with it. Just let me know he is headed over there so I don't worry when he doesn't show up at home and I have no idea where he is at.
J and I have done alot of talking this weekend. I won't get into major detail but I want MG and KT to know that even we have our off times. We still have our struggles. And we still have our miscommunications. We took a few steps back, gave each other some space and by the next day we were fine again. I guess it is all a matter of putting that girly way of cattiness as you two call it aside and try to approach it with an open mind and try to see through each other's eyes. I hope I did that well myself.
I learned that I am asking them to listen to my wants and needs. Really listen. But I am not hearing them when they say I am loved and cared about and wanted and enough. I don't hear that my husband isn't going anywhere. I brush what they are saying aside and continue to sit in the electric chair and wait to be shocked to death.
I have another analogy for you all. I drove through a major rain storm this weekend with my tipsy husband in the passenger seat and my baby girl in the back asleep. It was around midnight and I started using this toward my life.
It's hard. The rain got so bad at times I couldn't see. But I had a family to take care of and they were counting on me to get them home safely. A couple of times I had to pull over and take a moment to adjust my eyes. One time I even managed to accidently get off an exit without meaning to. But I got home. I made it.
This I put to this journey I am going through with my husband. The pain gets hard enough that I can't see straight. So I have to stop, I have to regain self control and readjust how I am looking at things with this poly life. I have a daughter that needs me to keep control and a husband that still depends on me to be there for him. Its about getting safely home. Its about reaching that goal with a smile on your face and everyone calm and together. I have gotten off on an exit without meaning to. I have tried to give up. But I made that U turn and got right back on and kept going without looking back. I didn't give up on the road and I am not giving up here. Driving through that made me feel so strong as a person. And I am a strong person. And I am going to be ok. And so is my family.
Thank you again everyone.