I am feeling especially vulnerable, sensitive and emotional today. An in depth discussion with John last night has resulted in introspection and a lot of feelings coming up for me.
John expressed that he does not want to participate in the poly lifestyle. He says that it is not how he is fundamentally made at the core. It seems that our recent reconnection has made him start thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.
We were in a monogamous relationship for three years about 11 years ago. During that time, I was especially emotional and I was trying to fit the relationship into some sort of box….trying to define it etc. But it just wasn’t working so we broke up and it was mutual. Then, we dated for 1 ½ years and that ended almost a year ago. I was not emotional during that period and didn’t even cry when we broke up. I was extremely detached emotionally.
But after we broke up, I began to pursue the poly lifestyle and my life turned around. My heart just cracked open and I began to feel deeply. Richard, Steven and Charles were an important part of that heart opening for me. I love them all a lot.
So, almost a year later, my heart is still open and I’ve been enjoying the feelings of love, affection, passion and tenderness for Charles, Richard, Steven and John. Steven lives out of state, so I don’t get to have any physical interaction with him, but I’ve had interaction with the other guys and some female friends too.
When John came back into my life a few months ago, he initially agreed to see me without a commitment or monogamous relationship. I told him about the other guys, but he didn’t ask for details, so I didn’t go into it. I know him well and I knew that he would ask when he wanted to know more. But I didn’t expect him to have a problem with it.
I began to love him and he noticed a difference in me and how I treated him. He noticed how happy I am and he noticed how open my heart is. He thought my change was about just him and that is when he started thinking about having a monogamous relationship with me again.
It is very difficult for me and I am having a hard time with this. I have tried to explain that my heart opened last year after he and I broke up and it’s still open and that’s what he is seeing.
It seemed that I would lose him again last night. Unlike last year when we broke up and I didn’t even cry, last night I cried a lot. He is confused. He can tell that I love him and I don’t want to lose him, but he can’t understand that the reason I am able to love him is because I have Richard and Charles in my life and they are the ones who loved me and accepted my poly lifestyle…..and they are the reason my heart is open now.
I can understand how confusing it must be for him. And because my heart is so open, I feel deeply troubled about what he is going through. It’s sad when two people love one another, but they want different things……we each want a different type of relationship. And because of that, the relationship might not survive. It is, after all a common topic on this forum and that’s why I am sharing here. I know what I need to do, but any feedback is also appreciated.
I plan on spending some quality time alone for the next several weeks and just doing some projects around my house that I’ve been putting off…..things to keep my mind occupied. I have confidence in myself that I will work through this. The pain is great today, but I prefer to feel this pain than to be emotionally shut down like I was last year at this time. I am determined to get through this and stay true to myself.