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Old 05-02-2010, 11:39 AM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by vandalin View Post
Number 1: Lock your doors. You may be in a safe neighborhood or had some other reason for it to be ok (I grew up without needing to lock our door unless no one was home) but if you were already worried about what your mother might do, yeah... time to start locking.
Oh absolutely. I actually thought that I had!

Number 2: Chances are that she saw you running out to intercept him and sneak him in. That in itself looks guilty. Greeting him at the door as a friend would definitly have been the better way to go.
I'm quite certain that she did not see me. Under normal circumstances, I would completely agree with you that making it nbd would have been ideal. But she would have done the exact same thing if she had seen him come to the door. So we were hoping to avoid it, knowing full well that it was still possible. NOt sure if I shared that she knew about the affair and has called my husband an idiot multiple times for "allowing" me to continue even a friendship with my bf. And I put allowing in quotes b/c my decisions are mine, but I love and respect my husband immensely and would seriously take into consideration his concerns.

I'm glad that you are ablt to admit and accept that your mom was and currently is trying to continue her abusive behavior. That is a great beginning, and keeping that in mind can help you deal with her in the future. Next step is to talk to your kids. I don't recall seeing how old they were, but tell them the age appropriate truth, without the more personal details. "He (bf) is a very close friend and your mother (nana) does not understand or like the relationship. It may be best not to discuss it with her (nana) because it will only upset her." Nothing false there. And that if they have any questions, just ask you and you will sit and talk to them about it.

Well this is very re-assuring, as this is what I said to them almost verbatim. Oh, and they are 9, 7 and 4. I didn't so much talk to the 4 yr old, just introduced him to R and went upstairs to read him stories. I did offer for us to read them downstairs with R, but the boy chose upstairs.

They know that my mother is impulsive and volatile, but not to them and they absolutely adore her.

As for your mother. I have not had to deal with mine (as my own relationship ended before it became an issue) but I think the best route is to treat this like any other decision you may have made in your adult life. Tell her, in as much detail as you are comfortable with, about your relationship and that her approval is not required nor requested. If she will not under any circumstances accept that you are an adult making adult decisions with the consent of your DH and with the welfare of your children in mind, then yes, it is ok to tell her it is none of her business and to butt out.
This is my plan. Dh and I decided that we will set groundrules from the outset--

If her plan is to be accusatory about my character, my parenting, etc., or to convince us that we are "wrong", then there is no point in having the discussion. We shall see how it goes.

Thanks for helping me think this out...I tend to panic a bit and it's hard to think in that state.

Originally Posted by Quath View Post
Yeah, the best hindsight observation was about building your house behind your mother.
Oh yeah. We have frequent convos about what we were thinking. Her "help" with the kids is so not worth the rest of the package. Live and learn. We do hope to move someday, but moving is very daunting at this point.

There are several approaches you can take. One is to tell her that this is the way it is. If she is going to be judgemental, then stay at home.

Another is a more polite version of the first. Tell her that you know it is a shock to her like the stuff her generation did was a shock to her parent's generation. Ask if she really wants to talk and understand it or does she want to just condemn it blindly. Let her know that you are explaining it to help her out -- you are not looking to be talked out of it. Then you can give her the pro-poly speech if she agrees.
I had thought about this approach, but it got lost in the recesses of my scattered mind, so thank you. Not sure I have a solid pro-poly speech to give, but I thought it best to just keep it simple; that my dh and I recognize that my relationship with my bf has a lot to offer both of us.

Another is to talk to her with you and dh present. Another is to give her some time to adjust before you talk.
Oh, he'll be present for sure. I'm hoping that presenting a unified front will be a good thing. But I have no delusions of being respected or even heard. She requested a talk, so though in many ways I'd prefer to put it off, I feel it is probably best to talk today. Fingers crossed!

As for the kids, that is tricky. There have been legal challenges in the past where grandparents have kids taken away from nonmonogamous families. However, I think they were all based on the people all living together. If you think your mother could do that, you may want to handle it differently.
Yeah, having worked indirectly with CPS/DSS, I know how random they can be. When I was homeschooling (before my hospitalization), I made damn sure to have my ducks in a row to avoid any scrutiny. I think my mother *could* do that, but it is very unlikely. She is already raising my sister's dd and I doubt she would pursue it for that reason. Also, she is really angry with the authority/judicial system in our county for how my sister was treated, so I think she would stay as far away from that as possible. But don't think I don't know that it is possible.

To put her mind at ease, just tell her that this doesn't affect the kids except they probably get more adults in their life. Monogamnous parents don't fill their kids in on what they do in their bedroom, so why expect it from nonmonogamous parents. As long as people don't freak out around the kids, they won't see anything wrong. As they get older, they will notice it is unusual, but what family is really the norm anymore?
My thoughts exactly, but thanks for the articulation! I am a firm believer that there is no "normal" and that we all benefit from diversity. My children are kind and loving and understand as best they can that diversity is a wonderful or at least "normal" thing. I hate the word normal, can you tell? ;-) Thanks so much!!!! I feel more and more confident, though still have a pit in my stomach

Originally Posted by Taamar View Post
My mother had some issues, but got over them; it was my aunt who flipped her biscuits. The best I was ever able to manage was to take a deep breath, smile, say 'This topic is not open for discussion', and walk away. Repeat every time she brings it up. You don't really need her approval, but you do have the right to be treated with respect.
Very well said. ITA. Thank you!

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I hear ya about building a house too close. Mine lives five houses down. It seemed like a great idea when my boy was a baby,,,, now it's just... well, awkward to say the least.
Yeah, it seemed like a phenomenal idea, and in truth, I am happy that my kids know and love their grandparents. I never knew mine and what I did know was not pleasant. I'm more than willing to fall on my sword and deal with the emotional warfare on ocassion, but I do not want it negatively affecting my kids.

Oh, and fwiw, I presented the option to my dd to go to lunch with my bf as my ds had, and she was very open to it. Bf gets overwhelmed by people (social anxiety disorder), so I'm taking the one kid at a time approach. My DS2 will be a harder sell methinks b/c he saw my staying over at R's during my outpatient hospitalization as R taking me away from him and he's also very in tune with dh, who has struggled with anger toward R. So I imagine this has had an impact on the little guy.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 05-02-2010 at 02:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
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