Thank you Stitchwitchd, you raised a valid point.
"Primary/secondary make sense as descriptive labels, but I really don't like the idea of going into a relationship with an artificial limit on how much it can grow, like a bonsai. Having different labels for different relationships is entirely sensible, but this whole thing with the secondary relationship being kept in it's place so that it won't possibly threaten the primary relationship...that just don't seem right. Now, having both points of a Vee involved in discussions so that EVERYONE is getting their needs met, no one feels neglected, that's great."
Mohegan, I think you read my mind, thank you putting into words what I've been struggling with
"Being new, I don't have experience to pull on, but this thread did strike up a conversation between my husband and I that I thought I would share.
I was curious on his standing on the terms and thought it was something to discuss. I asked if he felt we were the primary relationship and if the relationship with the girl we are dating progresses, would she be our secondary?
He didn't want to place labels like that as eventualy he wants us to grow to be equals.
I agree, except for the fact that chronologicaly and emotionaly at the moment, we are eacothers primary or first. Our relationship and it's dynamics must work and be healthy, in order for a second realtionship to work. So for the time being, our relationship with her is our secondary relationship.
She is not second to me or my husband and all the way around. I am not superior to her nor my husband or all the way around.
To me, people are not their relationships. She is not secondary to me. She is different and great in her own way. But it is a seperate relationship. At least for now. We are still in the dating phase of things. As our secondary relationship grows and all of us with it, we will all merge into a relationship together.
Just the thoughts from a newby on the otherside of your dilema. I wish you the best of luck, either with them or others. My best advice is to go with what you are comfortable with. If you don't like the labels, don't use them, but if those you are in a relationship with someone who does, try to understand their views behind them. If you still don't agree, or they can't compromise, maybe they aren't the relationship for you.
Good luck! "