inlovewith2's Blog (fka "Some obstacles we are experiencing")
So, last night, dh was out having dinner and drinks with a local poly vee group. We agreed that it made sense for my bf to come over with the understanding that we didn't have sex in our house.
Enter my mother. We were delusional enough to build a house behind hers (don't ask!, like I said delusional). Well, my bf came over when it was still light--my mother was supposed to be out. I had to run out of the house to intercept him before he just walked up the driveway (how freaking ridiculous is that?). Correction, I felt like I had to intercept him.
Anyhoo, I ended up sneaking him in the house somewhat successfully, but my son saw him and yelled out his name. I asked him if he could please not mention it to Nana. I specifically told him that if she asked, that telling her was totally okay (not gonna get my kid to lie for me to protect us from my crazy mother). Spoken by a therapist who just got out of a psych hospital a few months ago (so excuse the flippant use of the term, but it's a coping mechanism for me).
So, she finds out (still don't have the whole picture, but no matter). She barges into my house w/o even knocking. I was sitting on the couch snuggling with R. I had taken off my pants b/c I was so hot after literally running to catch him b4 my mother saw him.
She starts her usual screaming routine. I calmly tell her that my dh knows that he is there and offer to call him so that she can hear that from him (mistake, but...). He's at a bar and doesn't hear the call and she then accuses me of knowing that he wouldn't answer. I give up then and escort her to the door. She yells some parting shots at "George" (hilarious b/c that's what she called him even though that's not his name).
Both of us were very upset. My dh called her a couple of hours and by that time she was much calmer. She said something to the effect of "so I get that you know that your wife is with another man and are ok with it". He just said "yes" (bless his heart, since he's not totally ok with it). She seemed fine. Nothing is ever as it seems with my mother.
Today, she confronts me and starts going off about the damage I'm doing to my children and how she's torn as to whether she should watch them to protect them from the horrors of their mother being with a loving, caring man or not b/c she can't condone it. She's so manipulative.
Please understand that this woman was at least indirectly responsible for a great deal of my own abuse and is now what I consider to be emotionally abusive to me.
I am concerned about how to handle the children's curiosity in the future, but for now, I am quite confident that they all see him as a friend and do not have concerns. In fact, my oldest adores him.
Any suggestions on how to handle this with my mother? I tend to try to explain myself and I just think that inadvertently gives her the idea that she has the right to intervene. And don't think I won't have to restrain myself from pointing out what I went through as a kid. I totally get that polyamory is outside most people's box, but bottom line is that it is none of her business.
OH, she tried claiming that the kids were so worried about getting in trouble, and the truth is, if she could keep out of it, they wouldn't have been upset at all. She accused me of lying today, so I thought about telling her that I have absolutely no ethical dilemma with lying to protect myself or my family.
Thoughts? My anxiety is pretty through the roof.