As I lay here, reading back over old posts I go find myself thinking about the beginning here. Maybe it is because tonight they are reuniting and I know how great they feel to be together again. I am finding myself reminicsing about how this all started. And as I think of that I think of the things I found out along the way. My mind mainly drifts to the text and emails I found. I don't think they know I found their emails. I found the one where she sent naked pictures of herself and where the ones where they were declaring how much they care about each other and how to handle me for the threesomes. I remember seeing the dates on these. They predated the day I found out about everything by about a month. Neither of them would ever admit that this had been going on longer than a few days before I found out. I always knew better though. But I remember when I found those emails and they would never admit they felt strongly for each other before that fateful week I had to let it go. Those emails happened before I found out. It happened when there were still lies. It really bothered me knowing that I had done those threesomes under false pretenses. I really believed there was nothing when I did those. They were very good at convincing me. But I forgave them for that. I brought myself to the point where anything that happened before the first week of February didn't count. My marriage was still at rock bottom and in despair. I let those lies go. I don't know why. It felt like the right thing to do.
Onto the present. They are together tonight. As for me, I had dinner with my mom, got a bubble bath and plan to pull out my book tonight and fall asleep reading. I will be ok. I am ok. This is a good thing. I don't have to worry about DH when he comes home tonight. He has his Kitten back tonight. And I have been in a good mood all day so I know that has helped.
I have already choked up a little. That is great in my book. I use to have a good cry each time. It was needed. Nothing horrifying or in need of someone holding me. Just a good cry. Now I just choke up a little and I am able to get through the night. That is improvement, right?
DH is hinting at another threesome with J. Another night of the three of us. I know it helps and I don't object to it. But I just can't until they have the appropriate time together first. At least a couple of nights, maybe even a third. I don't really want to witness them re-connecting. A normal night is hard enough. I can't watch a reunion. I will feel like an intruder. Giving them time together to get the I missed you's and I am so glad to have you in my arms again's out of the way. That way I won't feel like a third wheel.
I am still smiling tonight. I have had a good day. J and I chatted alot today. DH was in a good mood when I talked to him earlier. I know I am not done with bad days. I don't think you get over them in a matter of weeks or months. But it does get a little easier, right? You find your pattern or groove.
I got a small flirtatious comment at the gym tonight. It felt good. I know DH isn't ready for me to take the steps into polyamory. Neither am I. But to think someone said something nice to me on a night where I am so lonely felt great. It was very quickly in passing. Over as soon as it began and I will never see the guy again and probably wouldn't recognize hiim if I did. But it felt nice. And I always feel my best and most confident at the gym anyway so that helped.
That's all at the moment. I am sure I will post again soon.