I would like to know what you would do differently. You mentioned that in your original post. It doesn't sound like you "allowed" (as KT assumed, and with all due respect
) this to happen but were all on board with it from the get go. What happened? Were you friends with this woman, did you spend time with her just the two of you?
I would wonder if you could offer to spend some time with her.... I know, WHAT!
but really, it might give you a chance to say to her some of the things that she needs to know from you. Not through you husband (this is probably why she avoids you... it sounds like you haven't spoken to her directly.
1. you don't want there relationship to end
2. your health is taking a turn for the worse and you need less stress
3. your family cannot support her anymore
4. you will help her find a place, even if it's next door
5. you will help her look for a job in anyway she could suggest
6. you will help her pack and move as much as you can, even financially (she will be out no?!)
7. you will make concessions for the trauma her moving out will cause and release the restrictions you have placed, until new boundaries can be made in time
and anything else that you know yourself that is not indicated here. Some compassion is in order I think. You say she is looking for a job, that is a good step.... so plaster a smile on your face, and help her out.... think of your future. He is not going to let her go, so make this easier on yourself by at least faking it until you make it at this point.... the making it seems to be, her moved out, your life with hubby back to some semblance of normalcy and them continuing to see each other. Dare I say, some happiness?
My thoughts in a nutshell are that we reap what we sow..... if I send out empathy, respect, honesty, caring etc, then I will get that in return. How about using your last ounce of energy on these things and see if you don't receive some back.