My wife and I have some emotional difficulties. We have been married for six years, and have a three year old. We are emotionally distant. She can be a little of a bully, and she says I'm becoming more and more of a jerk. We've talked about our problems before, but haven't been able to resolve anything. We both suffer from depression or something like it (I have actually been diagnosed as not being depressed, but having Aspergers and being bad with stress coping). We are both bi, and one problem we don't have is trust. We have talked before of having a threesome. At church last month, there was a service all about polyamory, with members who were poly talking about what poly is and is not. They shared their experiences, both good and bad. It really made a lot of sense to me; and I really thought it might be for me. She also seemed interested. As she said, "I can't do everything for you."
We kinda dropped it after that. We're barely in a position to date each other at the moment, much less other people. I brought it up again yesterday, and she seemed slightly startled and upset, and said "I thought we had talked about that..." I don't know what she meant about that, and I was too scared to press. I dropped the issue.
About a year ago, I really started thinking about other people, fantasizing about having meaningful, emotional, sexual relationships with them. I realized I was fantasizing about cheating. So I told her that I was thinking about this, and that it stemmed from feelings of emotional neglect. She was hurt, upset, and guilty, and did not seem to appreciate my honesty. I am at that point again. Things are exacerbated by bad living conditions, but she's miserable, I'm miserable, and I'm fantasizing again. I know enough to understand that this is not poly. It's escape fantasy, and poly is not about escape. Even if we decided at some point to be open, and I was completely honest with her, in a way I'd still be cheating.
I need to fix this. I refuse to cheat. I would not betray my fa
Ily that way. I'm also not willing to go poly until we've resolved our emotional problems at home, because that would be unfair to anyone webrought into the relationship.
So what can I do? Last time I told her how I was feeling, she didn't take it well, and it's not like we don't know what our own problems are. Marital counseling would be in order, but I don't think we can afford that. I don't want to be unfair to her, but I feel like I'm being unfair to both of us.
Thank you for any advice.