Here are some things that jumped out at me:
"I often feel horrible about myself when I'm with him."
"And then there's the fact that I sort of am a bad person."
"So much of the time, I feel out of control..."
syestra, these words make me feel worried. You're hurting, and you seem to not like yourself very much sometimes. Maybe a lot of the time. That's not the way it should be, syestra.
Who you are is WHO YOU ARE and it is OK to be that person.
You can want to grow and change. That's good! But stand centered in yourself and centered in the present and please, please feel that you are a worthwhile person. Because that is true!
Here's an exercise...it may feel hokey but you could try it anyway if you want.
Stand in your favorite place or your safe room. Take all the frightening and self-destructive feelings that are boiling in you and put them in your left hand. Close your fingers gently around them and let them rest. They're still there, but now they are quiet and contained.
Now remember the happiest, most secure time in your life. Remember how you felt. Close your eyes and bring those feelings back. Go all the way into them and feel the way you did then.
Here's what I think is true: those good feelings are with you always. If they weren't already inside you, then how could you have brought them back and felt them?
OK. Perhaps you can feel that in your center there is a place where it is peaceful and where you are OK. The other stuff -- the destructive feelings, the fear and neediness -- those things exist too, they're yours. But they are not the whole you.
I wish that you can have a calm, peaceful center that you carry with you always.
Last edited by EugenePoet; 04-29-2010 at 11:56 AM.