need to talk
I've been struggling a lot recently with feelings of love and connection towards many people. On some level, I think that I'm fabricating stronger than warranted emotions, and I can't seem to step back from this. This is leading to so many problems...
There's the fact that I keep feeling abandoned by friends who don't have time for me, to the point where I'm depressed to tears and self-destructiveness. I'm constantly paranoid about not knowing where people are or if they're safe. I'm feeling all kinds of emotional and physical attraction to pretty much anyone I like.
Then, there's a guy I ended up in a serious relationship with without seeming to make any decisions about it. It just sort of emerged from this new clingyness I've been displaying. There are so many things I love about him, but I often feel horrible about myself when I'm with him. He doesn't really share my values, and I don't feel like he knows me very well at all. We're sexually great together, but I feel like sex is something I offer him so he's happy with me. The main problem is that he doesn't really trust me and has treated any interaction I have with other guys with suspicion. So while I feel driven to seek affection and love more strongly than maybe is healthy, he's been making me feel like a slut and a bad person.
And then there's the fact that I sort of am a bad person. After a few months of trying to convince him I was trustworthy, I did cheat on him several times with another guy from a past relationship that I suppose didn't get closed properly. Why? I don't understand. I try to be honest and good, but I'm failing so hard. I haven't told anyone; better to break up with the first guy without making him think he was so badly betrayed. But I'm not breaking up with him, just telling a lot of lies and failing to disengage from either person.
So much of the time, I feel out of control--confused and elated and furious and in love and hurt and sad. I don't know what's wrong; usually depression is very flat for me, not this mess.
Guys, I just need to talk to someone without judgement right now. I'm not even seeking advice. I guess it's not really much of a poly issue, but I was hoping there would be someone understanding here anyway.