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Old 04-29-2010, 02:47 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Oregon, USA
Posts: 1,433

Thank you for your reply, Kat

I realise it must be very hard for him. It always is for partners who are fundamentally different, and I guess he is getting the short end of the stick. We have talked about it and I'm making compromises too, but I can see how he's making more sacrifices than I am.

My main problem is the idea that if I'm NOT doing something with him, I shouldn't with anyone else. Surely, if taken out of the sex context, it makes no sense. Say, I've never been to the zoo with him, so I'm not allowed to do so with someone else? It seems weird.

While some things I feel I can't do with him, and I guess he could see it unfair as I'd be willing to do them with other people, but I keep thinking, what if it is just something that has never come up with him?
Am supposed to go to my husband and say "my other partner has suggested we try X. Since I've never done it with you, I'll have to do it with you first to be allowed to do it with him. Are you interested?"

To some extent, I can understand the other way around better. "I want this to be specific to us. I don't want you to do it with him". Whether is something sexual (and specific enough. I don't think I'd be fine if it included ALL sex for instance), or a special place that he wants to be unique to us, or anything at all.
But his seem to be more along the lines of "if I can't have it, I don't want anyone to get it". And I'm just thinking, what does it take away from him? Maybe things I've been unwilling to try because I'm nervous about them, I might be willing to try with someone else, find out I actually enjoy them, and then do them with my husband too. It might end up better for OUR sexual life, too.

But he seems personally insulted by the idea that something I haven't been willing to try with him, I might be willing to try with someone else. I guess I can understand it in some ways, but asking me to promise I won't seems... bitter to me, if I'm making sense. Similar (although definitely not as bad!) to people who shoot their wife thinking "if I can't have you, nobody will!"

I am not trying to be offensive, and I'd love to really understand and acknowledge his feelings, I am simply worried he's, in a way, shooting our relationship in the foot by asking me to promise things like that. Surely there will always be things that will be unique to our relationship between him and me, what if I also want other things to be unique to my relationship with another person?
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