I'm new to these forums. (Hi there!) I'm poly, married, with a new boyfriend in the mix. Hubby and I have dated other people in the past, but this is the first time this situation has come up. Possibly because this new fellow -- we'll call him B -- has never considered polyamory before, or perhaps he really is a mono sort of guy. What made him decide to try it with me, knowing my situation, I have no idea. I'm glad he took a chance!
The background --
Hubby and I have been married for 6 years. We were separated for about 2 years, and got back together a year and a half ago. During the separation, I realized that I am poly-minded. (Hey, there's other people out there who aren't monogamous, and they have long-term committed relationships! I'm not crazy after all!) Hubby supported this discovery, has even accepted that his own needs include more than just me. It made our relationship much stronger.
Since getting back together, we have each dated a couple people, but for various reasons nothing has turned into a long-term thing. Along comes B. He seems like the perfect fit for us. Sweet, open, good communication, willing and able to commit to making this work.
B has some issues in his past regarding relationship security. He is fearful that he is expendable. Because of this, he has become very uncomfortable with the fact that Hubby and I are, in fact, married. Most of the time, it's fine. He accepts that I love him and that he is not less important for being newer. Sometimes, though, he just breaks down. He goes on and on about how he'll never be able to marry me, and he'll always be the outsider because we have that.
Now, personally, I don't care much about the legal aspect of marriage. It's handy for insurance and such, but it's not really that important to me. I'm more interested in the commitment and dedication between the parties involved. I am more than happy to have a ceremony, jewelry, vows, etc with the right person. In fact, I would be disappointed if a long-term partner didn't want to have that with me. I don't want 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships, I want a family that includes all of us. I expect to call my committed life-partner 'husband' or 'wife.' I have tried to explain this to him. I have tried to reassure him that the piece of paper I signed is insignificant compared to the commitment and care I can offer. It's no good. Maybe I just need to give it time, or maybe I haven't found the right words. I'm not sure.
The Question --
Are there any married couples here that have brought in a third (eventually) equal partner? How did you deal with the apparent inequality in the eyes of the law? How can I help B see his position as secure, important and equal? Any advice is appreciated.
(No, I don't think he expects 'equal' to mean 'same.' Hubby is dominant, B is submissive, they would both be dissatisfied if I treated them the same!)
I have a lot of love to give.