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Old 04-28-2010, 05:15 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: South of an Igloo, North of a Desert.
Posts: 885
Default Labels,...are GOOD.

I see so many posts and discussions with the balking towards the Primary/Secondary label.

Rather then rant, I just want to mention a couple of things to think about.


I do wish these labels would be seen as a welcomed starting point, at the beginning of the relationship.

If Person A and Person B have been together for XX-number of years, and Person C comes in, and is new to both, then logistically, it starts out as a secondary relationship, because person A and B -DO have a history, knowledge, and experience to look back on.

It`s the same concept as a 2 person relationship. You go on a few dates with someone, are they automatically called your boyfriend or girlfriend after a couple of dates ? Or, do you graduate, and build, and as time goes on, the relationship then develops more significance, and meaning ?

You go from being the person "I went on a date with and like."
to being the person; ' I am seeing"
...to then becoming :" my boy/girlfriend".

As trust develops in the relationship, the boundaries and walls should erode. The reward for good communication, and the right long-term 'click,' is that the couple doesn`t feel threatened, and those worries pass. For many newbies, this is a learned trait over time and experience. Those clearly drawn lines tend to be needed at first for guidance. Think of them as training wheels.

This is not to say, that the couple doesn`t need to earn the newcomers trust too. It just works differently. Any single person, (in their right frame of mind) entering into a relationship with 1/2 of a partnership, or with both halves, will have their boundaries, and walls constructed for their comfort zone as well. Over time, many of these fade as well.

Now,..if you get a year or 2 down the road with someone, reflect, and find you are still being made to feel as if you are being kept at arms-length, then that is the time to decide what is important to you. THAT scenario happens in couples just as much as poly relationships. Plenty of times, many of us have dated someone who 'stalled' the relationship from progress.

I apologize for being one demensional, with regards to your post. I just wonder if we all have a tendency to look to far ahead in new relationships. Worrying about the 'what if', and forgetting to just let nature take its course.

Last edited by SourGirl; 04-28-2010 at 05:19 PM.
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