So, I forgot another big factor in our poly relationship...In addition to my husband and my bf, there is another very present member of our relationship...My bf's ex-girlfriend turned friend, is getting increasingly upset with R's relationship with me.
He ended the sexual relationship with her a couple of years ago, but it has become very clear that she is still in love with him and feels entitled to have "first dibs" on his time. He did not know that she was still in love with him until he told her one night that I was there and she got very upset. They got into a big fight on Sunday b/c he was with me Friday night when she called. He said it got cruel.
I feel for her, b/c it seems that in her mind, they've been together for years (neither has dated anyone else in that time until he started dating me, which she technically doesn't know, but I believe she *knows* intuitively. She has this fantasy of the two of them, and I'm putting some big holes in it.
I had suggested several weeks ago that if she met me and maybe my dog or one of my kids, lol, that I'd become real. I had planned to make comments about how much he cares for her, etc. But since he's told me more, including that during their break-up period, she asked him to marry her
, I'm thinking this is more complicated than I thought; I'm not just threatening a friendship, I'm threatening a fantasy. And I'm not intentionally threatening anything of course; quite to the contrary, I've made it very clear to him that I know how important she is and that I would never intentionally do anything to threaten what they have.
I gently suggested to him that it would be kinder in the long run if he were to help her realize that her fantasy is not going to become reality, but he just feels like he can't rock the boat right now (keep in mind that he's been severely depressed for many years and is still having suicidal thoughts). There's even more, but you all get the idea. Any sage advice or reflections?
That was longer than intended....