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Old 04-27-2010, 01:37 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
hi there, I think that you are doing all you can do really. You sound like you are all on the right track.

I remember telling nerdist a million times a day I loved him at the beginning of my relationship with Mono. It helped greatly in time. I did extra things to show him how much I cared for him and our family. It was reassuring for him. I did anything I could think of to show him I love him and still do. He does the same in return now and it has made our love blossom in all sorts of ways.
Thank you redpepper. Always an adventure when blazing new personal trails ;-). My dh and I realized that although we were very confident in our love for each other, this experience has shown us that we had become somewhat complacent and we are taking the time to nurture our relationship in more ways.

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I have experienced this. My boyfriend of five years had a relationship with someone whom I just could not like, could barely tolerate. We had a lot in common but commonalities don't make a relationship all on their own, their has to be attraction on some level as well.

On the flip side he also had a relationship with someone I liked very much. We didn't have as much in common but there was the attraction there that couldn't be ignored.

Liking your significant other's oso really makes things run more smoothly. It's possible to have other relationships without having your partners get along but it sure does complicate things immeasurably!
I'm a bit more optimistic since dh called my bf, even if it was just for my benefit. He also offered to write to R and confirm that he would not answer the phone if he saw his number on the CID. I did pose to dh about R coming to my son's soccer game that is close to where R lives, but he wasn't crazy about the idea. I'm torn, thinking that seeing R interact with my DS could help or it could make dh feel threatened. We shall see where we are when that date approaches.

Oh, one more thing. One of the big sticking points for my dh is that R made the choice to date a married woman. Because he doesn't have more dimensions to R, he still has animosity toward him. I did suggest to him last night that he might feel better if he were able to let go of the animosity, and he was at least momentarily receptive to that. My dh is very pragmatic--why hold on to emotions that cause you discomfort?



Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I can't believe someone SAID that to your husband. How RUDE! ! !
Yeah, I thought it rude as well. That person has since elaborated which has been helpful; essentially he believes as many have said here that R and A having a cordial relationship makes things easily.

Your relationship is built by...
wait for it...
YOU and the people IN IT.

That's it.
Love it! My thoughts exactly.

I'm in a V. Started with me having an affair. Much messier than you describe your situation.
We all live together. They aren't FRIENDS. They obviously KNOW each other-we live together. They are trying to build a friendship.
Wow, I have some questions about this, but don't want to be too invasive and have no problem saving them for another time. Just very curious about that decision-making process and how living with two who aren't friends works. I honestly can't ever foresee us all living together--my bf has made it clear that he never wanted to be a father and reality is I AM a mother, so if for no other reason, although there are many others, this is not likely. I do however think it is remotely possible that my dh will partner up with a friend of mine and we've already invited she and her dd to live here to get out of a really crappy relationship.

Oh, it might help for all to know that my bf and I both have a lengthy abuse history--physical, emotional, sexual, the Red Fern (from a book by Wilson Rawls) of which was that he and I met in a psych hospital of all places. Being suicidal really sucks in case anyone was wondering ;-). Sorry, I have to have a sense of humor about it or it's even harder to live. Dh, though raised by an abused woman, does not have an abuse history, though bless him, he does try very hard to understand. See why I feel blessed?

I'm not sure exactly what you mean specifically about your men not getting together, whether you mean literally standing in the same room or if you mean sexually.

Just in case you mean sexually I wanted to let you know that A TRIAD is where all 3 partners would be sexual with one another, a V isn't like that.
Oh no, neither has any interest in being sexual with one another. Dh may be interested in being sexual with a friend of mine, and she with him, but first she needs to realize that she's worth more than the treatment her bf gives her and get the hell out of there.

So in that case, not sure what we'd be, but I'm sure you all will tell me. A V, A W or maybe even a V Triad (she and I have some interest in possibly having some sexual exploration). I'm chuckling b/c there may truly be no other place in the world where I could admit that (can you tell I'm happy to have this forum).

EITHER WAY-don't let what others say bother you.
Working on that--thanks for the reminder.

FYI on this forum, it's COMMON to get a few days when none of the regulars has time to write-and so answers are sparse.
Also-tehre is more activity on the "general" forum than the new to poly one some days. Just look around!
I do understand this; it's just that I seem to experience it every time I join a forum and tend to be one to take things personally when it's not warranted. But at least I've adapted enough to check it out instead of assuming it's personal.

I will check out the general forum sometime.

Thanks so much,


Originally Posted by AutumnalTone View Post
I have to say that is one of the most stupid things I've ever heard. If you've built a vee, then you have a poly relationship structure. Whether the ends of the vee hang out with each other has nothing to do with that.

I'll offer that you should be wary of any information those folks try to give you in the future.
Agreed. As I said, apparently the root who said this did clarify much in line with what many of you have said.

Oh, and fwiw, I love your quote. Dh and I, being the neophytes that we are, looked into a swinging group in our area, and concluded very quickly that we are not looking for casual sex. Thus our re-direction/introduction to the world of polyamory.


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I would love to have a chat with who ever let that shit fall from their lips
This is a prime example of when the idea of community becomes too much about rules and behavior for inclusion. This is so ironic especially when those same people are probably preaching about how enlightened they are.
LOL, I hear that. As I've said, I'm becoming adapted to being non-mainstream. I run a support group for women who have had cesareans and I can't tell you how many people think we are nuts. Yk, b/c major surgery is easy ;-). Sorry for the OT, but we get a lot of preaching and people who are so confident that they are right. I personally believe that there is no universal "right", it's what works for you. Too bad the rest of the world isn't so enlightened ;-).

Thanks Mono!


Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-27-2010 at 03:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
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