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Old 04-27-2010, 12:55 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 117

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
Sounds like you have a healthy relationship...who cares what anyone thinks. Live it!! Please just live it and not worry about what anyone online says. Why waste energy that you could spend loving your men .
Thank you for the reminder. I was taught well how to be a people pleaser despite the fact that you can never please everyone and was well trained to care what others' thought in order to figure out how to be loveable. I'm really trying to live in the now as much as possible, but old habits die hard. It's funny, the more I move away from the mainstream (for example, giving birth at home, having a poly relationship), the less I care what people think. Most think I'm a freak anyway, so who cares, right? I've even gone so far as to flaunt my "weirdness" to some particularly judgmental friends of my dh's. Who cares!

Thanks for the reminder!

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
Your husband called your boyfriend to stay with you while he was away. Sounds like things are working just fine to me
Well, as is often the case, it's a bit more complicated than that, but you are right, it's a positive thing. One of the things (maybe the only one) that my dh appreciates about my bf is that he can be there for me at times when my dh cannot be there. At this point, neither is open to in person communication, but I'm hopeful that it could evolve slowly. My oldest son has had lunch with R and I and is quite fond of him (even shocked me by giving him a hug when we were leaving). When R came over the other night while dh was in FL, my kids were adorable, offering for him to have their beds ;-). I'm sure I'll have lots of questions about how to handle things with the kids as time goes on, but for now, I think they are satisfied that he is a friend.

Thanks for the reality check though...

Originally Posted by EugenePoet View Post
Yes, what MonoVCPHG and BreathesGirl wrote. Poly is not just one thing -- it's not just triads, not just group living, not just anything. It takes many forms.
I'm learning

Big kudos to your husband for working with you and R instead of rejecting the relationship. I mean, BIG kudos! I applaud his generosity and strength of character. (Tell him I said that.)
Oh, I did, lol. He appreciated it too.

It sounds like you are the socially skilled one in the vee. That puts you in a position not only of receiving a lot from two men, but of being able to provide a lot -- and with that ability comes possible responsibility. If you want them to relate more to each other then it may be that you are going to have to be both the glue the sticks them together and the oil that minimizes their friction.
I think that's safe to say ;-) I had already concluded this and that I'm going to have to be very patient and tactful, not my biggest strengths. For example, dh still has animosity toward my bf for responding to my admission of feelings to him. I've carefully shared things and asked questions to help him re-frame it, but not much luck so far. I follow his lead when it comes up and DON'T push.

Possibilities, responsibilities.

My personal feeling tends to be that when the people on the legs of the vee know each other and can be friendly the whole structure is more stable.

We often fear what we don't know, and if your husband doesn't know R then he may fear his influence on you. Also, we tend to make guesses about people when we don't have full information, and that can lead to real misunderstandings -- your husband may guess that R is one way, and start acting on that assumption, when in fact R is not that way at all.

So it will probably work better if they can be at least casually friendly. They don't have to go out drinking every Friday,
Ha, I had to laugh at this last part--I think it's safe to assume that this won't happen. But I have some ideas. I told dh last night that if he had the opportunity to see R in another setting, he might minimize the feelings of animosity and made a suggestion that maybe R could go to a social event where they don't have to interact directly but he would have the opportunity to see him in a different setting.[/QUOTE]

On your husband finding a girlfriend: Tell him it's difficult but not impossible. My personal perception is that most women in the general population who want to date view poly men as cheating playahs and are NOT interested. Ironically, I think men looking to date view poly women as easy sluts, and are VERY interested. That's my personal guess about the general population's perceptions, at least in smaller communities like mine. We live in a mono culture which does not understand poly very well at all.

If he is really interested in comparing notes on finding and dating women he can PM me, either here or on the dating site OkCupid. It might help him not to pull the plug if he can realize that it's a process and never a finished, finalized thing. Your relationships will never be exactly the way they were yesterday.
I think I had written to you that he is indeed interested in comparing notes. If you could let me know how he can contact you, or I can give you his email or okcupid screenname (I don't know it off hand), that would be great. I think it bothers him more than he lets on and he's kind of eager to get a date under his belt. Considering that he hasn't dated in many years.

You know, there's the famous metaphor about time being like a river: you can never step into the same water twice, because the water is always flowing past you and away. The Argentine author Jorge Luis Borges turned that around: he said we are like the river, we are always flowing and changing. And that's the way relationships are too.

So it will change. We can't always control or even foresee the changes. But thinking of it as a static thing which must be accepted or rejected because it has one fixed shape is probably a mistake. It does not have a fixed shape. It changes.
I very much enjoy imagery and thus appreciated this a great deal and thank you. A wonderful reminder for us all in many aspects of our lives/relationships.

Much appreciation,


Last edited by NeonKaos; 04-27-2010 at 03:02 PM. Reason: merge posts
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