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Old 04-27-2010, 07:49 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

Speaking from my own experience and from what I have noticed, starting with swinging can sometimes make a person forget about the *relationship* part of relationships, rather than thinking about the sex part. I found that I had forgotten what it is like to actually love someone and work on that love together. I went right for the sex every time when I dated because that is where I thought my worth was to others. Not that I am a worthwhile person, but I am worth fucking. Swinging caused that in me.

I'm not saying this is you, as you have said that you like romance, have known the guy for awhile, miss the crush part etc. All good, but I wonder if you have a turn off button for sexual encounters. I didn't for a very long time after swinging. I could fuck anyone (within some reason)and think they cared about me. I would hate to see this potential partner use the information he has about you swinging as a means to get laid. How much did your boyfriend tell him in order to convince him that you would be a good lay. How much did he sat about you being a wonderful person that deserves love, respect, caring for and to be happy.

The language behind swinging is vastly different than poly language I find. Poly is not so much about fucking as it is about making love with someone we hold dear. I'm sure you and your partner have made love and know that it is different. This is the feeling of which I speak. This feeling is what poly is all about.

I think I would move very slowly on this. Test the waters to see if you can remember your off button to swinging and turn your on button to loving and caring for another partner. I think I would also go on a date just the two of you and tell him yourself what swinging means to you and how this feels different and how you want something different from him. If in fact you really do. My worry about all three of you going on a date is that it will turn into a threesome fuck fest and may just defeat the purpose. That is all good if its what you decide is better for you, but if it isn't I would wager you end up feeling used, disappointed and disrespected. I have felt this way in the past when I didn't realize I had a swingers off button to turn off. Its turned off entirely now for me as I only desire sex with those I love. I have found, after a long and difficult journey that swinging damaged something very sacred about sex and connection for me and have done a lot of work to get that sacredness , self worth, self respect and integrity back for myself. I know for some swinging makes them feel empowering, it makes them feel sexy and wanted. I had that at the time, but now I understand that it also was a quick fix to my need for self love and I invested in my own damage.

All I can say other than that is to take it slow. There is a lot of time and no rush to *make* it work. Rome wasn't built in a day. It sounds like you all have some research to do, even the man you are considering as a partner. Do that work and start communicating. This is the first step and SO important. More so than first dates and sex. You all need to know if you can survive the huge change that will occur once its decided to go ahead with a relationship between you all in a poly manner.
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Last edited by redpepper; 04-28-2010 at 02:36 AM.
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