View Single Post
Old 04-26-2010, 09:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Atheist,

I'm a little late discovering this thread so I hope it's still "live".

I have to say that I think the way this whole situation has unfolded is neither uncommon nor as disastrous as it may sound/appear at first glance.

Originally Posted by atheist View Post
I don’t know what to do about any of this. But I do know this; the most important thing to me right now, at this moment, is to get my wife to not hurt the way she’s hurting right now, believing that she’s no longer the person I love most.
In reality, I have a feeling you and your wife are actually in a much better position than many when the discovery of poly comes around. In a way, you (especially she) have been living it somewhat successfully for 22 (?) years. You seem happy together. Whatever is in the past is exactly that - in the past.

The first thing that's important for your wife to grasp is that "love" is NOT a competition ! There isn't a scoreboard. The [more than] / [less than] constructs belongs in the realm of mathematics
The ironic thing is - she already knows this ! She's been living it !
Love isn't a competition - it's just DIFFERENT between different individuals ! Maybe you just need to remind her of what she already knows ?
And it's different at different times and phases. The love between you and your wife is mature, strong, seasoned. Like fine wine. At this point with your girlfriend it's new, untested, exciting - AND confusing
No bigger or smaller - just different.
Make sense ?

Originally Posted by atheist View Post
she didn’t want strangers to know anything or see what happened to her since she felt ashamed that she was no longer my number one in her opinion. I’ve offered to completely shut off the romantic/physical involvement with my girlfriend and substantially limit any contact with her, but my wife says that’s no good because the feelings won’t change, and that’s what has hurt her so badly.
Ashamed ? She should be ashamed of being ashamed !
But again we say there's no number anything. The connection between different individuals is always unique and special. And what you've built together over all these years can never be superseded or replaced by anyone else. It's just not how life is !

To both>>>>>> take a deep breath ! It's really ok. A NEW phase in your wonderful relationship. Travel it together !
And please tell her to feel free to jump in here, places like this, read, contribute, feel comfortable. In truth, I suspect she has her own little vial of wisdom that many could benefit from !

Hang in there and please keep us posted !

Reply With Quote