Thanks for all the feedback.
I too agree that rules can be like a false sense of security ... but they do also establish boundaries. I am new to all of this and I have to figure out what I am okay with and what I am not okay with. If she is to only give her love to me ... what does that look like in the bedroom? Sure, there will be emotions and a level of intimacy with others, but what is representative of the intention that I mean the most or that we have something that she does not with someone else?
I mean, maybe one day I won't even need any of that. Maybe I'll just know ... or maybe I won't care so much about meaning the most in her life ... that I'll just be grateful of what we have.
But is there something to be said for pacing? For taking baby steps. I think there is. I think the potential for me to get emotionally triggered and to feel so overwhelmed that I completely cut this off could be high. I go back and forth between feeling like I'm sacrificing and comprising myself and feeling like I'm not and that it is okay to change how much I tolerate in order to be with the person I love.
In the moments where I feel like I'm compromising myself and thats not okay, I feel like I "should" seriously think about not being in this relationship. That it may not be good for me ... that I'm not doing the right thing. (but there are no right answers here)
I feel like pacing might make it so that it is not so overwhelming.
And yes, safe sex is a must. That is an example of a boundary that is necessary.
I guess part of me just also feels like I'm bending myself to do what she wants ... that it is not totally that I don't want this ... but that I'm only doing it because she wants to at the end of the day ... and that there is something wrong with that. I mean, I like the opportunity for exploring sexual relationships with others ... but if she didn't want this, I don't know that I would care to fight for a non-monogamous relationship.
And perhaps since I feel like I'm the one that is bending, I also want some compromise from her as well. That, and I want some representation that what we have is special and that no one else has that.