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Old 04-25-2010, 12:04 PM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default My life as I see it

I am 27, my husband of 4yrs (together 8) is 29. We have 2 cats, and that is as close to children as we'll get at the moment.

We have a strong realtionship and while they were some hard times, I will give credit to the many times we have had to rebuild "us", for who we are now.

We are new to poly ,as far as a term and openness about it. We have several friends living many different lifestyles, so it's not new to us. We have seen several very strong and happy V's as well as Triads.

I have a hard time with letting go of beliefs and morals implanted in childhood. I have been doing a lot of work on learning who I am and what I believe right and wrong to be, and not believing in something simply because it was how I was raised.

I came to understand that I was bi about 2yrs ago, but I strongly feel that if we are not both involved, it is cheating. He feels this is an un-needed rule, but supports my belief. He also feels the act of sex does not always involve emotion, and while I understand the concept behind it, I have a hard time with it as it applys to us. He is very open with his thought that there is nothing wrong with sleeping with someone, as long as we stay eachothers primaries. I feel there needs to be something there for me emotionaly to act on it, and then I feel I am cheating, even though he is okay with it.

As we have worked through things we agreed that we would be open to dating someone as a couple. No "private" relationships or physical acts, but dating as a couple. We follow an "as long as we are both there" rule. More for me than him.

Several months ago he met a young woman that he enjoyed spending time with and flirting with. This was no big deal as he has several very close female friends. But soon after meeting her he began acting weird and when finaly confronted with it, he said he had gained deep feelings for her and was torn. He believed something was wrong with us, how else could he feel for her what he did? (his words) He said he couldn't name anything, didn't know of anything I wasn't giving him, and began to wonder if it was emotional whiplash from dealing with childhood traumas. He felt he was doing me an injustice by falling for someone else, yet still loving me.

I'm not sure why, but I was okay with this. I wasn't okay that he had hid it this long, but his feelings for her didn't bother me. He has cheated in the past, before we were married, and he kissed someone once while we were married. I think after living through my reactions to those, he was fearful of how to bring this up, which was why he waited so long. I surprised him, and myself by being okay with the whole thing. I think it was more the lies that bothered me in the past, not the actions. So the fact that he was honest with me, made things easier to accept. With the understanding that our rules still stayed in place, and I got to spend more time with her, and he stop hiding all their conversations from me.

The first time he told her he loved her in front of me, I thanked him. I really appreciated him not hiding it anymore.

There are a lot of other things going on in all of our lives, but we have made time to date her as a couple. She is aware of and okay with our agreement, and is interested in dating us both and seeing where things go.

It is slow going, but that is okay for all involved.

So basicaly, I am here to continue to sort things out, learn more, and meet others like us. Maybe things with her won't work out, maybe they will. Maybe we are both poly and one day I will be more comfortable with relaxing the rules. I don't know yet. It'll be an interesting journey as we all travel this path together. Who know's maybe we met our unicorn without even trying.

However it works out, these are our first steps onto a new path in our relationship and it is very nice to know there are others out there.
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