The first time I've felt excluded...
Hello everyone, I am glad to have found this forum.
A little about me and my relationships- my husband, J, and I have been married for 8 years, I came out as bi early in our relationship and he has always been supportive of me having female "friends with benefits". Sometimes he joins in the sex, sometimes not (depends on the other woman's wants). He is fine with either as his drive is not as high as mine.
I also have a gf- S, and she has been part of our family for a year now. I am definately the "hinge" in the relationship. I love both of them, they both love me, and they are good friends. S doesn't live with us, but spends most weekends with me (J works nights on weekends). When we all happen to have an opportunity to be together- we take it and have amazing sex.
This is S's first FF relationship, not for lack of desire, just lack of opportunity. She also identifies as bi, and has some needs that I cannot fulfill (mostly physical, some light emotional) and J has been slowly trying to meet more of those needs because I have asked him to because, well, I want her to be happy. They have had sex a few times solo and have even had date nights. I have always felt warm fuzzies when this happens- knowing that my two favorite people are having fun.
Things have been pretty smooth- we communicate well and are open with each other. So what's the issue?
The other night we were all lying in bed, me in the middle as usual just talking and snuggling. I asked S if she wanted to get middle snuggled for a while and she moved over. Soon after J was kissing her. I was surprised because nobody had seemed interested at first, but got into it quickly. Then- how do I put this delicately?? J was on top of S and then decided to lie down for a position change, when he did, I tried to get on him. He said "hold on a minute baby" or something to that extent, and S got on him an I just laid down next to him, upset. When J tried to touch me I just said "no, I'll wait my turn" and did just that. Soon, she moved and we proceeded. It felt good, I tried to push it away as an overreaction and temporarily succeeded. When we finished I left the room to go smoke. As I left j asked if I was taken care of and I said "not really, but whatever".
S came to check on me and I brushed her off. I sat downstairs for a good half an hour trying to understand and combat these new feelings, but I ended up getting more and more angry. I went upstairs to find they had fallen asleep and was instantly in a rage. He didn't come to check on me!? He didn't care that I was mad!? All of that psycho-drama I vow to stay away from. He called me selfish, I called them selfish and inattentive to my obvious discomfort, it just didn't go to well.
In deconstructing, I know there are a lot of factors that came into play - J and I had just gotten back- that night- from an emotionally and sexually intense 5 day alone vacation. S and I hadn't been together for almost two weeks total. I had missed a couple of days of anti-depressants. Etc, etc.
During the aftermath, S says she misinterpreted my statements as half-stubborn me, half-joking. She says she sometimes feels left out and that with three it's bound to happen. J says he didn't know that it was so serious, that before we left I had suggested he and she fool around since we would be gone, that he hadn't had a chance to do so, and that he was sorry. They both apologized. But...
But now I can't stop evaluating it in my head. What if this happens again? Are we going to have to be careful about sex while we are doing it (blah!) is he going to pull away from her? Do I want him to?
I feel like this weird wrench has just been thrown into our relationship and I don't know how to proceed. Help?