Your situation in reverse
I am living through your situation only in reverse. I am the wife but also the mono hear. If you read my blog on LifeStories and blogs it is called The Blog of the Mono Wife that is fine. That way everyone else doesn't have to hear me retell it yet again.
But you do have choices. I just vented how I feel as tho mine were taken away, I know. And there are times, the really hard times I do feel that way. Today for instance I feel as though I only have two choices. Either get a divorce or allow him this life. If I don't give it to him openly he will take it anyway.
Because I am still working through the fact that my husband has had multiple lovers throughout our years of marriage and didn't tell me I am having a hard time trusting him again. I feel as though no matter what I say he is going to do it anyway. When I first found out about J, the woman he is in love with now, I told him to stop. I was furious, hurt and every ounce of pain clouded all of my judgement. He said he had stopped but really didn't. That was when I had to go into my own place in my mind and really figure out what I wanted, what could I live with, what was I willing to do for my marriage and my daughter.
My daughter needs her father. I need my husband. I know when I threatened to leave him in the beginning, when I wouldn't allow him to kiss me or touch me it hurt him but he respected the distance he had to give me. He had times where he didn't care anymore. He didn't care what happened to us. He had to find his place in his mind as well. He had to figure out if our marriage was worth fighting for. If it was worth being painfully and completely honest, no matter the consequence.
We are really trying very hard to work through this. He has been cheating on my for three years and I never knew it. I felt stupid and disrespected and disgusted with him, myself, and J. J was suppose to be my friend.
She and I have come a long way and we are friends again. I have lunch with her and we talk all the time by text. We have chosen not to come out to people. She respects me marriage and understands that if she were to ever ask husband to leave that would be the end of things. She is poly and is married to a poly with children.
The women before her weren't poly. They were sluts, one night stands and it burned more than a fire could possibly start to do.
But right now we have chosen to stay together. I have chosen to remain mono. I have no interest in being poly but I know this is important to him and who he is. All I have asked is that he not lie. And if I catch him in more lies then I will unfortunately have to walk away, but that won't be easy. Lies have no place in a poly/mono relationship. It can't exist.
I hope you can find your answers. It will take some deep searching. No one can really answer this for you. I found out because my toddler got into his text one day and I read them, without him knowing. And the shit hit the fan. Like you finding her emails. He didn't just one day decide to start telling the truth. I found out and confronted him. You need to learn and research poly and yourself. But don't take the full burden of the pain and responsibility on yourself. She needs to shoulder some of this as well. Another lesson I have learned the hard way. It won't be easy or quick, it will take months, maybe years.