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Old 04-25-2010, 12:25 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Did I have any affairs during the 22 years of our marriage? I think I *might* have had a couple of one night stands within a couple of the first two to three years, but if so, I donít remember them, but remembering back to the kind of person I was, I believe I probably did have a few.
How can you not know you had an affair....?

Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Iím very uncomfortable with it, and tell her on more than one occasion that for some reason, whether socialization or something else I canít identify, I think Iíd actually be more comfortable trying to hide the whole thing from her and just have had an affair. Good idea, bad idea, who knows? Itís probably a bad idea since we are supposedly being honest and totally up front about everything. Iím also learning that she believes lying, or preferably deflection and misdirection, is acceptable when the truth serves no good purpose and will result in hurt feelings, and when thereís no good result but itís known that hurt feelings would be the result, the truth in that case is the equivalent to intentional and calculated harm to someone, and itís not nice, nor is it acceptable to intentionally hurt someone when no good can come of it. Okay, I understand that. Does that mean the same rule applies at all times, even when dealing with oneís spouse in what is now a totally open, honest, up-front relationship? Why? Because that relationship isnít worthy of the protection others are afforded by the ďwhen is lying and/or misdirection okayĒ, rule? Or is the critical assumption that nothing will hurt because weíll trust that it isnít the intent to cause pain, or that somehow the pain is a good thing, or what? I donít get it at all when itís applied here? How much trust do you have for your spouse and how much do they trust you, and in what terms and to what degree under what circumstances?
lying and misdirection are never okay in my book. And are certainly NOT a rule... yes the pain of the truth is a good thing, because you move into it, experience it and then find ways to move out of it. you trust your partner entirely to speak with compassion, love, respect, and with words that don't harm, but make one reflect and be interested in working on whatever it is that needs working on.

I think that 22 years of lies and deceit is a very tough thing to get through and it won't happen over night. The first thing is for your wife to deprogram herself to believe that lying to you has been a good thing in your marriage. Just resigning yourself to being treated that way and treating others that way is a cop out. Of course you can go right ahead if you think that their is really nothing better for you in life, but I am hear to tell you that there is and you can have it if you work towards it.

Originally Posted by atheist View Post
Maybe Iím more in love with my girlfriend than my wife, but thereís a huge security blanket Iíve got with my marriage...Iím using my wife as a safety net
Ah, there we go... this is where the complacency comes from perhaps... it sounds like it's just easier to take and use each other, than wonder why you are not as attracted to your wife any more or actually work on achieving an improved marriage. I would suggest that the fact that you and her have been lying to one another for years would indicate your lack of bond and connection. This new love is fresh and a clean slate. It's easy to love her, because things are in the open... its a pure love and uncluttered by deceit.

why would this woman want to leave her husband and go to a man that lies and is used to lying? It isn't attractive and a good foundation to a relationship.

having read to the end it seems that you are experiencing NRE and just have to breath and laugh at yourself a little for it. Nothing seems right when you are experiencing NRE. It's like being high or drunk. There is a chemical imbalance that dies down with time...

I do continue to suggest that in order to help make your wife feel more comfortable, that you work on some of these MAJOR issues that you have created in your marriage. If you intend to stay in your comfort zone than at least have the where with all to work on making it MORE comfortable.
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